


six feet under

by empressfall



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Captivity, F/M, Fury's a bitch, Not Canon Compliant, Past Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Red Room (Marvel), SHIELD is shady af, Yelena and Alexei lmao, idk what tags to add without spoiling so i'll add some later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:13:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 41,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21652822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empressfall/pseuds/empressfall
Summary: "dear steve, it’s natasha. do you remember me? i once meant everything to you.”after losing his memories, steve is forced to decide if he’s loyal to SHIELD and the government or to natasha, who is supposed to be the enemy
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 13
Kudos: 50





	six feet under

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nctaliaromanova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nctaliaromanova/gifts).



> well... this was a lot of writing and there's still more to do for the next chapter. this first chapter is definitely a rollercoaster ride and might be a bit confusing to read. it follows three timelines labeled: now, before, and after.
> 
> "now" is the present day and the most recent events.  
> "before" is the past and the oldest events  
> "after" is in between "before" and "now"
> 
> please keep this in mind because some characterization shifts throughout the different timelines. it'll make much more sense when you're reading!
> 
> also, since this is a two part fic, there'll be a lot of unanswered questions left when you finished this chapter so keep that in mind! everything will be wrapped up and addressed in the second chapter.
> 
> oh and also, i messed with canon a little. some characters are featured a bit earlier than they do in the mcu and some aren't found at all. i tweaked the timeline a little too, but again, this should be more clear when youre reading.
> 
> enjoy!

_ Now _

“You’re resigning,” Fury says it like a statement, rather than a question.

Sharon nods, setting her credentials and SHIELD-issued firearm on his desk. “ _Yes_. I am. Effective immediately.”

Fury raises a brow. “Why? Your family is legendary within SHIELD. Why are you leaving already?” He doesn’t sound offended or hurt. He doesn’t even sound curious. His tone is as empty as his soul, Sharon believes. 

Sharon turns away from him. “You already know the answer to that.” She focuses her gaze on the wall. 

Fury purses his lips and stands up from his leather seat. “There was nothing you could’ve done. There was nothing that any of could have—”

“Don’t you dare say that,” Sharon snaps, immediately turning back to face her former boss. She points a finger at him accusingly. “Don’t you dare say that to me when you know damn well that this could have been prevented.” Anger begins to flare within her. 

“The circumstances were difficult.” Fury looks unfazed and speaks to her as if she’s a child.

Sharon narrows her eyes at him. “The only reason any of this happened is because of everything SHIELD fucked up under _your_ supervision.”

“You’re getting out of line,” Fury says warningly.

“I don’t care.” Sharon shakes her head. “I don’t work here anymore. I don’t work for you. I get to voice whatever opinion I have now.” She rubs her glossed lips together. “After everything that’s happened, you should at least have the decency to listen.”

She’s being incredibly bold and she knows that the Director of SHIELD can probably out-cuss her, but she refuses to step down. Not anymore.

Fury glares at her but says nothing.

“You misjudged the whole situation,” Sharon says, “You never even stopped to think about everything that was happening. They wanted to save him. They wanted to bring him back to his original state of mind. He wasn’t defying you.”

“The two of them being together was him defying me,” Fury snaps. “She was a criminal. She was a wanted assassin by over a hundred countries. She—”

“She never got a second chance,” Sharon interrupts him. “She would have jumped at the chance of redemption and you made sure she never got that.”

Fury furrows his brows. “If this is a reference to the Winter Soldier—”

Sharon tenses. “They had a chance.” She gets flashes of familiar faces in her head that she wants to block out. Flashes from that fatal day. 

“They thought they did,” Fury interjects, “but they didn’t. They would have failed regardless of whether SHIELD got involved or not.”

Sharon opens her mouth to rebut, but Fury continues, “You are not a fool, Carter. I’ve known you long enough to be certain of the fact. Deep down within you, you know that this is all just wishful thinking.”

“Rightful thinking,” Sharon responds, “I had faith in them. I believed in them. And if you would have just stopped to listen, to really think about it, you would have understood too.”

Fury cocks his head. “Do you really believe it’s _that_ simple?”

Sharon looks at him with so much intensity in her eyes. “Yes.”

Fury shakes his head. “Carter, one day you’re going to have to forgive yourself.”

Sharon frowns at him. “Excuse me?”

“You hate yourself,” Fury elaborates, “and you don’t know how to handle that so you’re projecting your guilt onto me. I won’t deny that I’m not perfect. I know that you will probably never forgive me and I’ll allow that. I allow that because I know that the real problem that’s bugging you is your inner conflict. It’s eating you on the inside because you believed in them and you trusted them, yet you couldn’t help them.”

Sharon glares at him. “You don’t know what I think.”

“Of course I do,” Fury says, dismissively. “I know that you’ll have to figure yourself someday. You can’t let this destroy you.”

Sharon lets out a bitter laugh. “But it already has and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

She leaves before he can get another word out.

* * *

_ Dear Steve, _

_ It’s Natasha. Do you remember me? I once meant everything to you. _

Sharon sits on her living room floor next to a cardboard box as Ella Fitzgerald plays on her speaker. There are dozens and dozens of opened envelopes laying in the box and even though it’s past midnight, she can’t bring herself to sleep. Instead, she feels drawn to the letters that serve as the only pieces of Steve and Natasha that she has left.

She remembers when this letter was written. She remembers how it all happened. How everything from every letter happened.

Sharon shifts and lays down on her carpeted floor. She stares at the cream-colored ceiling and reminisces.

* * *

Six Months Earlier from Now

_ After _

He’s confused.

Your name is Steve Rogers."

"I know that. I just don’t remember anything recently."

"You’re a SHIELD agent," the man with an eyepatch over his left eye, Fury, says to him. "You’re Captain America."

Steve frowns. "I don’t remember being here. The last thing I remember is going into the ocean. You’re telling me that was seventy years ago." He doesn't know how to begin comprehending that supposed truth. 

"You’ve lost your memories," Fury says. "All the memories since we found you have been lost. We’re here to help you get them back."

"What memories would there be for me?"

"We recovered you from the ice nineteen months ago," Fury answers, "We helped you transition into civilian life and you began working for SHIELD for seven months. You were Captain America back then and you still are now. We just hadn’t sent you out on any missions yet, because we wanted to make sure you were prepared. And now that you’ve finally woken up from your year-long coma, I can’t imagine how hard it is to wake up to a new century again."

Steve huffs. "And I guess I’m doing it again."

Fury waves his hand dismissively. "Your memories will come back. I firmly believe they will. It’ll just take, probably, a week."

"I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing here, sir," Steve says.

"Agent 13 will be here shortly to brief you on what’s been going on in SHIELD. We had originally planned on having Agent Morse and Agent Woo debrief you, but they're both unavailable. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go talk to the prisoner we captured when you were ambushed a year ago," Fury says. He pauses and adds, "But believe me, Captain. You’re a good man and right now, you’re here with us. The _good_ side. This is where you belong. You’ll remember eventually."

Steve nods curtly, as Fury exits the room. A few minutes later, the door opens and a blonde woman walks in, holding a binder in her hands. She's dressed in professional clothing and looks like any serious business person. 

"I’m Sharon Carter. Agent 13," she says. "We haven’t properly met."

He’s seen her around the past few hours, though. She seems to have a lot of authority in the organization. "Steve Rogers. Captain America, ma’am."

"I _do_ know that, but please don’t call me ma’am. It makes me feel old and in this age, you really don’t need to call women that," Sharon says with a chuckle. " _So_ , how are you feeling, Captain?"

"I don’t know," he replies, honestly. "This memory loss thing isn’t something I’m dealing with easily. Seven months' worth of memories and then twelve months in a coma... adjusting to waking up in a new century for the second time is, uh… _overwhelming_." He doesn't even know how something like is possible and at this point, he doesn't know if he'll ever understand the extent of the impossible. 

Sharon chuckles. "I can believe that."

Steve takes a deep breath and asks, "Can you tell me what’s happened? Fury gave me a very brief overview of how I was discovered and then how I was attacked and lost my memories because of that. I don’t know anything else."

Sharon nods. "That’s why I’m here." She opens the binder and pulls out a file with his name on it. "So, you crashed in the Valkyrie on March 4, 1945, and you were found on April 23, 2011. Today is December 2, 2012. You spent seven months with SHIELD, adjusting to a new life and learning to work within our ranks. You were deemed unfit for fieldwork because of the circumstances of your… arrival to SHIELD. You did most of the work in the office and conference rooms here in the Triskelion. You participated as much as you could. You had Level 5 clearance as of November 29, 2011. That day was the day that you were attacked on SHIELD campus, here in Washington D.C., and you sustained physical injuries and seven months' worth of your memories were lost when you went under a year-long coma. As Fury probably told you, you woke up today in the infirmary recovering from your injuries and being tested to see any neurological damage."   


She flips a page in the binder. "As for the details that you actually care about, you spent the first seven months trying to catch up on the popular culture of the twenty-first century. SHIELD provides an apartment here in the Triskelion. I’ve been spending a lot of time in the building to keep an eye on you. But you’ve told me several times before that you don’t need a babysitter." She chuckles. "SHIELD is furnishing new quarters for you that are a bit more private so that you have the space needed to adjust."

She continues, "Aside from that, you spend a lot of time in the gym. You really want to get out in the field and everyone knows it, but Fury’s waiting until he thinks you’re truly ready. When you’re not busy working here or working out, you spend time watching so-called iconic movies that have come out since World War II. You try all the new foods that replace what you were probably used to back then. You listen to modern music and look into modern fashion. I usually help you with that. Sometimes, some other people do, but it’s mostly me."

She shrugs. " _Still_ , though. You may not communicate with too many people here, but they all respect you. They’ve heard of your phenomenal legacy and they really admire you."   


Steve licks his lips. "I don’t want to just be some icon."   


"Trust me. You’re not," Sharon assures him. "You’re still a hero in our ranks, Captain. I know this is hard, but your memories will come back. SHIELD will make sure of it. They really care for you." She flips to the next page in the binder and pulls out a manila file folder.   


"This is for you," she says, handing it to him. "These are files on the people and work that you were familiar with. It could help jog your memories."   


Steve takes it and looks down at it. A photo of him is on top of the small stack and he has no memory of posing for it. "Thank you."

Sharon nods. "Of course."

Steve hesitates and then asks, "Why was I attacked? How did it happen?"

"You were attacked by an espionage agent who snuck their way onto our campus and was able to attack you. Our security team is currently working to make sure that it never happens again, especially since you’ve now finally awoken. And this is very important because no one knows about your recovery except SHIELD, so this attack was a personal threat that we had to contain. I can't really go into detail. I'm not authorized to," Sharon responds. 

Steve gives a small nod. "So, he’s the prisoner that Fury is talking to right now."

"Yeah," Sharon says, "She is." Her lips curl into a small smile.

Steve raises a brow. " _She?_ "

"It’s the twenty-first century. There are more women doing all kinds of work than ever before," Sharon says with a hint of amusement in her eyes. He definitely prefers her over Fury. She's much more approachable.

"I believe that," he says, "I don’t doubt that for a minute." He thinks back to Peggy, who was unlike any woman he had ever known before. 

He tenses. Peggy. Is she still alive? 

Another realization hits him. Peggy Carter. Sharon Carter. He looks at Sharon and sees some of Peggy in her.

"Do you know who Peggy Carter is?" He blurts out.   
  
Sharon’s slightly taken aback, but nods. "She’s my great aunt."   
  
Steve swallows his breath. "Is she… is she—"   
  
"Is she alive?" He wants to hold onto something familiar to him.   
  
Steve nods. He wonders if Peggy has told her about him.   
  
"Yes. She’s retired from SHIELD, which she helped found, by the way."  
  
Steve sighs in relief. His heart also swells at pride at what Peggy has accomplished.  
  
Sharon takes a deep breath. "But she has Alzheimer's. I don’t know if you know, but it’s basically a disease that destroys her memory and her other mental functions. It hasn’t progressed that badly yet, which we're very thankful for. You can visit her. I’ll allow that. It's just a matter of whether Fury will allow that."  
  
"I’d like that," Steve says. "I’d really appreciate that."  
  
"Of course."  
  
It brings him a relief to know that Peggy is still alive. She’s one of the very few people that he can talk to about what’s going on.  
  
He wonders if she knows that he’s been recovered. He wonders how she’s been living her life for the past seventy years. He wonders if she remembers him.  
  
"The woman who attacked you is in SHIELD custody and has been for a year. She’s a dangerous threat to SHIELD so we have no plans to release her, but unfortunately, if you were hoping to, you’re not allowed to see her," Sharon says, snapping him out of his thoughts.  
  
Steve frowns. "Why not?" He definitely wants to face his attacker and interrogate her.  
  
Sharon responds, "It’s a complicated matter. We’ve figured out her background and we’ve determined that there’s still a possible threat that could come from the people she’s affiliated with. Your safety, especially now, since you’ve lost your memories, is more important to us." She looks away from him and folds her hands. "You’re a year behind all of us. You have to catch up."  
  
Steve’s suspicious at the way she avoids his gaze. Her tone doesn't help either. "What are you not telling me?"  
  
"That’s the truth. It’s written in your files," Sharon says, "You just don’t have the clearance to look at that specific part."  
  
"I don’t believe you."

Sharon looks back at him and purses her lips tightly. She says nothing for a minute, but then sighs.  
  
"I didn’t expect you to," she admits. The blonde sighs and flips her binder to the pocket in the back. "I have something for you that… could change _everything_."  
  
Steve furrows his brows. "Meaning?"  
  
"The circumstances behind your recovery are complicated. It’s especially difficult given your coma. The details that the public knows aren’t entirely truthful," Sharon says. "I’m not authorized to get into specifics with you, but the public doesn’t know about your recovery from the ice. They don’t know that you’re still alive. Only SHIELD and our government do. We intend to keep it that way for the time being. We have a narrative to sell."  
  
"I don’t understand." Steve frowns.  
  
"I’m loyal to SHIELD, Captain Rogers," Sharon says, "I believe in the work we are trying to do, however… as of late, there are some little things that I cannot fully support. Everything related to you is very difficult for me."  
  
She pulls out a folded piece of paper from the binder pocket. "I don’t know the whole truth, though. I don’t know everything. All I know is that there’s more to the first seven months of your life in the twenty-first century than what SHIELD is letting you know. There’s much more history than recorded in the files. I’m not sure if I can support that."  
  
Steve swallows his breath.  
  
"I’ve been holding on to this for months. I shouldn’t be giving you this," Sharon says, "but I am. Don’t tell anyone. Not a single soul."  
  
Steve hesitates but then takes the folded paper from her.  
  
"You have to give it back to me when you’re done, though. If anyone finds it in your possession, there’ll be a lot of trouble. I’ll probably lose my job and you’ll… you’ll have a lot of problems too," she says.  
  
He’s curious, but he doesn’t ask. He can tell that she’s being serious and he definitely does not want to lose her as an ally in a confusing time like this. Steve nods and unfolds it. He reads the two lines written on the paper.  
  
_ Dear Steve,  
_ _  
_ _ It’s Natasha. Do you remember me? I once meant everything to you.  
_ _  
_ He frowns as the words sink in. He looks up at Sharon, who’s biting her lip. "Is this supposed to mean something to me?"  
  
Sharon takes a deep breath. "I don’t know." By her tone and the genuine look on her face, he knows that she’s being truthful.  
  
"Who’s Natasha?" Steve asks.  
  
"I can’t tell you," Sharon says. "But I know you can figure it out."  
  
" _Agent Carter_." Steve’s becoming irritated. "Where’d you get this from? How come this has to be secret?"  
  
"I’m sorry, Captain Rogers." She closes her binder and heads towards the door. "Doctor Cho will be here shortly to check up on you. We can talk more later." She leaves before he can get a word out.  
  
He doesn’t understand. Not one bit.  
  
He doesn’t remember her. Steve doesn’t remember a Natasha.    


* * *

Nineteen Months Earlier from Now

_ Before  
_   
He’s cold. That’s the first thing he notices. He feels cold. He doesn’t notice any smells or sights, just what he feels. He rubs his thumb and middle finger together and almost shivers. He inhales and then looks up to take a glance at his surroundings.  
  
He’s in a hospital bed in a room that is empty. He and the bed are the only things taking up space in the square-shaped room. There are no windows in the room and the light on the ceiling looks like it’ll die at any moment.  
  
He climbs out of bed and slightly winces at how weak his legs feel. He definitely needs to stretch. He has no idea how long he’s been in bed. He cracks his knuckles, neck, and back before getting up on his feet. He has absolutely no idea where he is, what day it is, or really, anything at all, but he has every intention to find out.  
  
His hands reach for the doorknob and when he turns it, he sees red lights flashing in his face and a loud sound fills the air. Startled, he takes a step back and he suddenly hears footsteps and people yelling. He can’t make out the words because of how frantic it sounds.   
  
By instinct, he’s already ready for a fight and when the door swings open, he’s met with at least half a dozen guards with guns in their hands. They look much more advanced than the ones he remembers.  
  
He’s a fighter, he prides himself on being one, but he’s still slightly taken aback by the threat against him. He doesn’t know where he is or who they are and his legs are still sore, so he hesitates for a second.  
  
His hesitation ends up to be pointless when someone barks behind the men, "Stand down."  
  
It’s a feminine voice but distorted with an accent. The men part and leave a small aisle for the source of the voice to walk through.  
  
" _Steve Rogers_ ," a woman with fiery red hair says as she ambles towards him. "Good morning."  
  
He narrows her eyes at her. "Who are you? Where am I? What time is it?"  
  
Steve doesn’t have the slightest clue of what’s going on at all. The last thing he remembers is crashing into the ocean. He has no memory of being saved or put in a hospital bed. He definitely doesn’t remember the woman in front of him with an accent that is familiar to him. Eastern European, definitely.  
  
The woman smiles and there’s a mischievous glint in her green eyes. "You must be starving."  
  
" _Where. Am. I._ " Steve snaps at her.  
  
The woman chuckles and turns around and starts speaking a foreign language to the men. They nod and disappear into the corridor. Steve recognizes a few of the basic words she said. He had heard them in the Soviet Union.  
  
"Is this the Soviet Union? Am I in the Soviet Union?" Steve asks, impatiently. He already doesn’t trust her. He doesn’t like the way she smirks and looks at him like he’s a fool.  
  
"Well, you’re definitely not in the United States of America, Captain Rogers."  
  
Steve wouldn’t go hitting a woman, but she’s definitely testing his patience. His chest tightens and before he says anything, she says, "One of my men will be returning with a meal for you. I’m sure you’ve rested enough that any more sleep is unnecessary. Eat first. We can talk later."  
  
He reaches out to grab her shoulder and pulls her back to look at him.  
  
The woman raises a brow and looks amused instead of angered. "Are you trying to manhandle me, Captain?"  
  
"I’m not here to play games. Tell me what’s going on," Steve says through gritted teeth.  
  
She shrugs his hand off of her shoulder and shakes her head. "It’s good to have something in your system, especially after being asleep for so long."  
  
He opens his mouth to respond, but then one of the men returns with a tray in their hands. Another man follows him, carrying two wooden chairs. The woman grabs his wrist and her grip is definitely stronger than he would have thought. She drags him back to the middle of the room.  
  
One of the men sets the two chairs down. The woman shoves him into the chair as the other man lays a tray of food on his lap. She sits across from him in the other chair. The men leave and shut the door behind them.  
  
Steve looks down at the meal he’s been provided. It’s a plate filled with rice and what looks to be beef.  
  
"Beef stroganoff," the woman says as if she knows that he’s curious. "It’s traditional here."  
  
He definitely doesn’t want to sit there, completely clueless, as she watches him in amusement. Judging by her small frame, he doesn’t think that overpowering her and escaping wherever he is would be that difficult at all but there’s something about her that doesn’t sit well with him. He isn’t sure what it is, but it’s refraining him from taking action against her.  
  
"It’s delicious, Captain. It’s been one of my favorites for a long time," she says when he says nothing.  
  
"You say it’s traditional." He stabs at a piece of beef with his fork. "Traditional where? The Soviet Union?"  
  
The ends of her lips curl into another smile that he’s starting to really despise. "I’m sure you already know."  
  
Steve continues to glare at her as he chews on the beef. It’s delicious. He couldn’t deny that. He chews quietly but never takes his eyes off her.  
  
She stares back at him with that damned amused smirk.  
  
"I don’t belong here," Steve says. He’s well aware that the United States are allies with the Soviet Union during the war, but he doesn’t even know if that war is still going on. He doesn’t know anything at all. It doesn’t seem like he’s still in his time. The clothes that the woman’s wearing are unfamiliar and unlike anything he’s ever seen any woman wear. The weaponry on the men looks much more advanced than anything he’s worked with. Everything seems out of place. "I should be back with my men in the United States. I don’t know why I’m here, but this isn’t—"  
  
"You do belong here," she interrupts him. "You’re meant to be here. We found you. It was _fate_."  
  
Steve frowns. " _Found_ me?"  
  
The woman’s smirk grows impossibly wider. "You were frozen in ice. The super-soldier serum preserved your body for all these years and we found you."  
  
"All these years?"  
  
"Seventy. Seventy years."  
  
Steve’s stomach churns. "You’re _lying_. That’s impossible. That’s—"  
  
"Who are we to speak about the impossible? There’s a such thing as the super-soldier serum. It turned you into a man like no other. How is _that_ possible?" She sounds like she’s teasing him.  
  
"It sounds preposterous." He can't even attempt to wrap his mind around that possibility.  
  
The woman shrugs. "I suppose that’s a valid thought, but I’m not here to lie to you, Captain."  
  
"Then, why are you here?" And he wants to know why _he_ is here.  
  
"To talk," the woman replies, simply.  
  
None of this simple to him.  
  
"We are talking now and nothing you're saying makes sense to me," Steve says, shaking his head.  
  
"In time, it will," she assures him. "Now, you must eat. It's a lot to take in at once and I want to make sure that it's a smooth recovery for you."  
  
"I don't even know who you are. I don't know what any of this is."  
  
"Again, in time, you'll know." Her eyes gleam in amusement and it makes him feel sick.  
  
"Why not now?"  
  
The woman chuckles. "Seventy years have passed by. You need to take the time to adjust. I don't imagine it to be easy. Therefore, just letting it all explode in your face is not what I want to do."  
  
Steve swallows his breath. "What happened to the war? Did we win?" He swallows a spoonful of rice.  
  
"Which war?" She's teasing him again. "Many conflicts have happened since the World War."  
  
"I need to know what's going on," Steve says, impatiently. He needs to know it all, clearly.  
  
The woman shrugs. "You're going to be working for me and my people. We're going to make sure you're ready for that."  
  
"And why would I work for the Soviets? My loyalty lies with the United States of America."  
  
"The Soviet Union doesn't exist anymore, Captain. Russia does."  
  
"Are you finally going to confirm that we're in Russia right now?"  
  
"No." She shakes her head. "We have other things to talk about, such as what will be happening here for the next couple of weeks."  
  
Steve looks around the rooms that they're in. "You'll be keeping me as a _prisoner_." He says it like a fact instead of a question.  
  
"That's not up for me to decide," she says. "Everything that happens to you will be dependent on how you choose to act. This is an opportunity for you to fight for what's right."  
  
"Who are you to decide that?"  
  
The woman cocks her head to the side. "Who are you to decide whether I'm worthy of this?" She's definitely bold. She's not like most women that Steve is accustomed to.  
  
Steve fights the urge to lash out. "I don't know who you are. I can't trust someone that I don't even know."  
  
"Perhaps you don't have to trust me," she says, "but you _will_ trust my vision. I know what kind of person you are, Captain, and therefore, I believe you'll fit right in."  
  
"How would you know me?" Steve asks. He doesn't like the aura of mystery around this place.  
  
The woman responds, "How could I not? You're Steven Grant Rogers from Brooklyn, New York. Born on July 4th, 1918, to Joseph and Sarah Rogers, both who died early in your life. You wanted to join the United States Army despite your health problems and eventually, you did make it in and you were chosen to take part in Project Rebirth led by Abraham Erskine. Your childhood best friend was Bucky Barnes who suffered a lot during the war and—"  
  
" _Stop_ ," Steve interrupts her. "I don't need to hear all of that." He, especially, doesn't want to hear about Bucky. It brings back memories that haunt him.  
  
"You asked."  
  
Steve glares at her. He takes a deep breath. "Do the Americans know I'm alive? Are they aware that I'm in your custody?" He asks but he doesn't expect a straightforward answer from her.  
  
"You're asking questions that I cannot answer for you," she replies. "I'd be happy to answer questions about the modern music we have now or how to make beef stroganoff. Simple questions."   
Steve grumbles.  
  
"You're not in the mood to talk. I understand. I'll leave you here to finish your food and then, hopefully, in an hour or two, you'll be more willing to have a serious conversation. I'll have my men guard you as you eat. If you need anything, ask them. They understand a fair amount of English," she says, standing up. "I'm sure you're going to be very bored here. Maybe if you're nice enough, they'll play a card game with you." She chuckles and it sounds so dark, unlike anything he's heard before.  
  
She turns and heads towards the door.  
  
"What's your name? That's the least you could tell me," Steve calls out from behind her. "If you won't tell me anything about what's going on, I have to at least know the name of the person who I'm talking to."  
  
"Natasha," she says, looking him in the eye, before exiting the room. "My name is Natasha Romanoff." She sounds as if she’s reciting a name to him.  
  
Her eyes are cold, but they’re beautiful. They pierce him. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like any of this.

* * *

_ After _

“Well, well, well,” Fury drawls, entering the training room that Steve is currently getting a lot of use out of. It smells like sweat and Fury’s nose wrinkles.

Steve looks over his shoulder, panting, as he turns away from the punching bag. He says nothing. 

“I didn’t think you would already be down to get physical so soon after waking up,” Fury continues. “I also didn’t think Dr. Cho would release you already, but that woman never fails to surprise me.”

“I can’t stay cooped up for long,” Steve says, sliding the boxing gloves off of his hands. “One year is a long time.”

“So is seventy,” Fury says, “but I suppose that since this is your second time going through all this, you’re jumpstarting recovery.”

Steve huffs. “I don’t really know what I’m recovering from. A lot of the details seem to be classified even though they pertain to me.”

It’s been three days since he’s woken up and he doesn’t feel any more confident about his surroundings than he had days ago. He hasn’t seen Sharon since then and it irritates him since she seems to be the only person willing to tell him anything.

Steve has a lot of questions and he believes that she’s the best person to go to. It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t have the authorization to roam around the Triskelion to find her. It especially doesn’t help that Fury is making sure he’s kept on a leash so that he doesn’t stray too far from the medical center, even though he’s been given a clean bill of health.

He hasn’t made it far around the building, but he’s seen a handful of people around. They all look at him with a mix of expressions on their faces. He’s seen curiosity, amazement, bewilderment, shock and disbelief among others on people’s faces. They gawk at him like a zoo animal and he doesn’t know how he feels about that. He’s experienced being in the public eye back in the 40s but that’s different to him. That experience is different.

He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be doing right now. His memories aren’t coming back. Dr. Cho ignores most of his questions. He’s been spending the fast few days reading literature on what’s happened since the war and working out in the gym. It’s not like there’s anything else he can do while being scoped out under Fury’s watchful eye.

He has read the files that Sharon had given him, but they’re all very vague and give little details about the authoritative figures working for SHIELD. They barely touch upon the supposed work he had done. None of it seems personal enough for him to connect to.

“We want your memories to come back naturally,” Fury says, “We don’t want to cause any trauma to you. We’ve dealt with this one before. We want to be careful.” 

Fury talks like he knows from experience. Steve knows that but he doesn’t like it. 

“I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be doing here. I’m Captain America. I know that. I save people. I save the world. I understand that,” Steve says, “but what do I do _now?_ I’ve been told that I wasn’t even working in the field for the seven months before my coma. What do you expect of me after my memories come back?”

“You just said so yourself,” Fury responds, “You’re Captain America. You’re a _hero_. That’s exactly what you’re going to be when the time comes.”

Steve resists the urge to scoff. “Why can’t you just be straightforward with me, sir? The whole atmosphere around SHIELD has been vague and I don’t like walking around knowing nothing while everybody knows absolutely everything and anything.”

Fury cocks his head. “We’re being careful.”

“We’ve done this once. We don’t have to do it again.”

“Perhaps,” Fury drawls, “but SHIELD does want you in the field soon, so we refuse to take any risks.”

“What are you going to do if my memories don’t come back?” Steve challenges him.

Fury raises a brow. “They _will_ come back. One way or another.” He doesn’t elaborate.

“And if they don’t?”

“Why are you asking me this, Rogers? Do you believe that they won’t come back?” His voice is dark and Steve can understand how he has the qualifications to be a leader.

It almost amazes Steve how cold Fury can look and sound. He purses his lips for a moment, before responding, “You can’t be surprised that I am doubtful.”

Fury chuckles and it’s one of the chilliest things Steve’s ever heard. “You’ll have to have trust in SHIELD. Trust in me. You’ve done it before. You did it for months. You have to maintain that trust.”

“It doesn’t sit well with me,” Steve responds, “to be clueless to my surroundings.”

“I understand,” Fury says, “but unfortunately, that’s the way things are going to be. I know you dislike being stuck in the medical center and I am well aware that you want to know more about what you’ve missed out on, but you will have to wait.”

He pauses and continues, “I can send Agent Carter here if that is what you’d like.”

For a second, Steve’s thoughts go straight to Peggy, but then he remembers the blonde. He nods. “I’d like that.”

“She’s been busy during the past couple days with work,” Fury says, “but she can be here soon.”

“Will that be all? The medical staff, you, and her… The only human interaction I get?” Steve asks. “I can’t be cooped up forever.” He imagines that he'd go insane if that's the case.

“It’s been three days, Rogers.”

“Feels like a lifetime.”

Fury almost looks amused. “You can ask Agent Carter for whatever you want. If she believes that your request can be fulfilled, she will contact me.” 

He continues, “Do _not_ push it. Your recovery is a priority for SHIELD and as much as I would like to jumpstart it, I am not willing to take that kind of risk. The world almost lost you twice. They can’t do it a third time.”

He turns around and heads toward the exit. “Have a good day, Rogers. Agent Carter will be here soon.”

“But what about her?” Steve asks aloud.

Fury stops and looks over his shoulder. “Her? Agent Carter—”

Steve swallows his breath. “No, not her. The woman. My _attacker_.”

Fury turns around, a cold expression on his face. “Agent Carter told you your attacker is a woman?”

Steve immediately freezes. He had no intention to expose what Sharon had said to him. He licks his lips and replies, “She said ‘she’.” He hopes that he didn’t just get her in trouble.

Fury is silent for a moment. “What are you asking of me, Captain?”

“What’s happening to her? Agent Carter said that she’s been in SHIELD custody for a year with no hopes of being released,” Steve responds.

“Nothing that would interest you. Nothing that concerns you. The work that SHIELD has planned for you is a whole other initiative that has no relation to our prisoner,” Fury replies.

“She attacked me. She personally came after _me_ ,” Steve says, an annoyed expression on his face, “I think it’s only right that I get to know what’s happening to her given what she did to me.”

“She won’t come after you again. I can guarantee that,” Fury says, “You don’t need to worry about her.”

“I need to see her with my own two eyes,” Steve insists, “I need to talk to her so that I know why she attacked me.” At least he would be able to get some information out of her in that case.

Fury continues to look unfazed. “Captain, we already know why she came after you. That case is closed. She remains in custody because she is a criminal.”

“Has she been tried?” Steve’s becoming exhausted from Fury’s elusive behavior and he refuses to remain still.

“That’s confidential,” Fury responds, “The details are classified. She is a threat. We have conducted a thorough investigation and from what we’ve uncovered, we have all elected to keep her in custody to ensure that the people she’s affiliated with won’t come after you.”

“Who is she affiliated with?” Steve presses for more. 

Fury steps away from him. “I’m going to leave now. Agent Carter will be here at her soonest convenience.”

“I need to interrogate her,” Steve says, insistently. “I’m not asking for your approval.”

“She’ll mess with your mind before you even get back into the right state of it,” Fury says, coldly. “So, I don’t care whether you want my approval or not. The answer is still _no_.”

* * *

_ Before _

“Captain,” Natasha says, entering his room with a deck of cards in her hands, “Good morning.”

Steve looks up from a battered copy of “Anna Karenina” to meet the redhead’s gaze. “Morning,” he mutters. 

It’s not like he really does know if it’s truly morning or not. He’s been stuck in the windowless room for three days (he only assumes it’s been three days based on how often the guards brought him meals) and there hasn’t been much for him to do to entertain himself. 

Shortly after waking up on the second day, one of the guards had tossed him a copy of a novel. When he hasn’t been blessed _so_ gracefully by Natasha’s presence every now and then, he’s been trying to get through the book. 

Natasha eyes the novel in his hands and smirks. “Enjoying the local literature?”

Steve narrows his eyes at her. “Of course. 864 pages of mind-numbingly boring literature. Wonderful stuff.” He’s been sitting at the table, flipping through the book since he’s woken up.

“I’m offended,” Natasha drawls, “Anna Karenina is the _greatest_ novel of all time. A true staple to my country’s culture.”

“Russian, huh?”

“What you knew as the Soviet Union,” Natasha responds, pulling the chair opposite him out. She sits down and sets the deck of cards on the table. “How about we do something different? I can imagine that you want a break from reading.”

Steve marks his place in the book and puts it down. “It’s a heavy novel.”

“How many pages have you read?”

“476,” Steve responds.

“I see you’ve had a lot of free time on your hands.”

It’s her tone that really irritates him. Everything she says, no matter what the context is, sounds mocking and chiding. It doesn’t make him trust her at all and only adds to his feelings of disdain towards her.

He’s never met anyone so cold before and for the life of him, he just wants to know what the hell is happening.

Steve shrugs. “I suppose.”

“Let’s play a game,” Natasha says. “I assume that you are familiar with poker?”

“Yeah,” Steve responds, “Played it with the guys during the war.” He has no interest in engaging in small talk with her. He wants to get straight to the point, but it’s clear that she has other plans. 

He has only seen glimpses of her and exchanged very brief words with her during the past couple of days. No matter what he’s tried, she’s remained vague and, to simply put it, frustrating.

“It’s been seventy years so you might still be rusty.” Natasha begins to shuffle the cards. “So, don’t feel too bad if you lose badly.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“It could be,” Natasha purrs. The way she acts like this is all a joke only annoys him further. 

“You said that the plan was to have me work with you and your people. The Russians. What exactly does this plan entail?”

Natasha stifles a chuckle. “Fighting. Isn’t that obvious?”

Steve squirms. “I fight for my country. For the United States,” he insists.

“I knew there was something about you that had to be a flaw,” Natasha says, shaking her head. “Good man with the wrong mindset.” 

They start playing. 

“Excuse me?”

Natasha cocks her head. “Your loyalty remains with a country rather than a value.”

“I believe in my country,” Steve responds, “I have faith in my people. I fight for them.” He looks at the cards in his hands.

“And what about my people?” Natasha raises a brow. “What makes your people different than mine?”

She leans forward. “Correct me if I’m wrong, Captain, although I never am. By the tone of your voice, fighting on behalf of my people seems like a job you don’t want to do.”

“Your people are not my people. This is not my country.”

He knows he shouldn’t be here. He should be in the United States with everyone in the army. With Stark. With Peggy. With… his stomach churns. With _Bucky_. His memory, at least.

“Does it matter? Isn’t it right to fight for, _well_ , what is right?”

Steve looks at her, studying the expression on her face. “What are you trying to say?”

“I believe that people should fight for what they believe is right. Their values. Their ideals. They shouldn’t just fight on behalf of a country,” she responds.

Steve takes a deep breath. He doesn’t want to do this. “I shouldn’t be here. I should be at home.” 

“Do you even have a home anymore, Captain? You're seventy years out of touch with what you consider to be home.”

Steve tenses.

Natasha grabs a card. “Tell you what. Let’s make a deal. I win, you do as I say. You train and fight and prepare for what is to come. You win, you’re free.”

Steve frowns at her. “What?”

“I won’t repeat myself. You heard me,” Natasha replies. She speaks to him as if he's a child.

Steve sits up straight where he is and focuses on the cards in his hands. This is a game of luck and he has a 50/50 shot at winning. He doesn’t really have much hope in him, but the least he could do is try.

They keep playing. Steve believes he keeps a good poker face, but Natasha seems to beat him by a long shot when it comes to remaining passive.

They don’t speak to each other as they play. As the game winds to an end, Steve almost smiles.

“Straight in diamonds,” he announces, placing his cards on the table.

“You impress me, Captain,” Natasha says, a little too teasingly for his liking, “but despite your confidence, you still look quite flushed. In fact, you have been.” She sets her cards on the table.

Steve tenses, his jaw clenching. A royal flush.

“Better luck next time.” Natasha starts to organize the cards and sticks them back into their box.

“You can’t hide me from my home forever,” Steve says, watching as she stands up from her seat.

Natasha raises a brow. “Who said we were gonna do that? We do want you to go home, Captain. It’s just not going to be in the way that you want.”

Steve frowns. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Wouldn’t you love to know?”

* * *

_ After _

“I made you dinner,” Sharon says, meekly, wheeling a cart into the living quarters that Steve has been assigned to. “Are you hungry?”

Steve looks up from the tablet device that a guard had given him, per Fury’s orders. He isn’t exactly a fan of how the guard spent four hours speaking to him as if he was a child while explaining how to use it, but he’s still grateful, nonetheless. “No.”

Sharon doesn’t look like she believes him. She maneuvers the cart by the armchair he’s sitting on and looks over his shoulder. “What are you reading?”

Steve looks at the cart and is instantly met with a delicious smell in the air. “Everything I can find about SHIELD. Not that there’s much.”

He hadn’t been sure of what he wants to look up first. He had been tempted to google Bucky or Peggy or even himself, but he figures that the most impending topic is SHIELD.

Sharon chuckles. “Fury most likely put parental blocking systems on the tablet so that he can censor some stuff from you.”

Steve purses his lips, shaking his head disapprovingly. “I don’t know how he thinks I’m going to be able to work here if he’s going to hide things from me. I understand that there’s a risk given the trauma my brain has been through, but I can handle it. I’ve done it once before. I know I can do it again.”

Sharon shrugs. “I agree with you.” 

She takes the tablet out of his hand and grabs at his wrist, tugging him off of the chair. When he stands, she sets the tablet onto the seat and leads him to the table with one hand while dragging the cart with the other. “You need to eat. I don’t care if you claim that you’re not hungry because I know you are.”

Steve sighs and takes a look at the dish she sets before him. It’s drastically different than what he remembers eating during the forties. “What’s this?”

“Pepper crusted ribeye and twice-baked two cheese potatoes,” Sharon responds, “and a salad. Fury and Dr. Cho would kill me if I didn’t get you any green stuff to eat. Rabbit food.”

Steve feels kind of overwhelmed at the meal. This is a big difference from all the boiled food he remembers eating. 

Sharon sits adjacent to him and starts to dig into her own plate. “How are you feeling, Captain Rogers?”

“Better, I guess,” Steve says, “but I don’t really know.” He doesn’t really know how to describe what he’s feeling. Physically, he’s in good shape. Mentally, he’s not in good shape.

“You talked to Fury earlier today,” Sharon says, poking at the loaded potato. “How did that go?”

“He clarified nothing,” Steve replies with a huff, “but he did make it clear that he wasn’t going to elaborate on the attack or my attacker.”

“That sounds like him.” Sharon’s lips curl into a sly smirk. “He’s been making excuses. At least in my opinion. His talk of ‘not taking risks’ is a bunch of bullshit to me.”

Steve raises a brow. “Does that mean that you’re willing to share?” He takes a bite of the meat and almost sighs at how delicious it tastes.

Sharon’s smirk grows wider. “ _Well_ , I am supposed to help you adjust again. Sharing would probably be helpful.”

“That would be great.”

Sharon leans back where she sits and eyes him curiously. “It’s crazy to me how something so tragic happened to you twice.”

Steve shrugs. “I guess that’s what happens when you’re Captain America.”

Sharon nods. “About 66 years after you crashed in the Valkyrie, we found you in the ice and like I’ve said, you spent seven months adjusting to the modern world with SHIELD’s help. I know you want more details about that time, but I’m not authorized to share them with you. As much as I’d like to and as willing as I am to break the rules like I’m already doing right now, some things cannot be said yet.”

Steve wants to protest, but he knows that he has to be grateful enough for whatever Sharon throws his way. “Okay.” He takes a bite of the potato.

“ _So_ , November 29,” Sharon continues, “The day you were attacked. The Triskelion and SHIELD are very private and hidden by the government. We are not a top secret organization that no one knows about, but we don’t go around flaunting our intel and activities. That’s why you were kept under tight security to ensure that only the government and SHIELD would know about your recovery.”

She points to the tablet in the armchair. “If you google yourself, you won’t find anything about your recovery. I don’t know if you’ve tried, but—”

“I haven’t.” He doesn’t want to know what content is out there. 

Sharon looks amused. “You were in one of the underground bases, being given a tour from Agent Phil Coulson, you probably read his file, when your assailant appeared.” She takes a bite of her salad.

Steve remembers none of this. He doesn’t remember an Agent Phil Coulson, but he does recall flipping through his file. Like pretty much all of the files, it hadn’t been a really insightful one.

“I wasn’t there in the base, but I was in the building,” Sharon says, “I remember that day well. Your assailant is a very skilled spy and she was able to get through all the security without a trace. Fury gave the security team hell about that afterward, especially since she had successfully hacked into the system and shut it down. She hid in the base and when you and Coulson were alone, she attacked. She’s an apt fighter and the brawl that she started attracting the attention of Agent Clint Barton.”

Steve recognizes that name from the files. He and Sharon are on STRIKE Team: Delta from what he remembers.

“Agent Barton assisted in the fight against the assailant as Agent Coulson contacted Fury and declared an emergency threat against SHIELD,” Sharon continues, “The assailant knocked you out, but before she could do anything further, Agent Barton neutralized the threat with his arrow. Both of you were unconscious and taken to the medical wing. Your assailant woke up and was immediately taken in for questioning. Meanwhile, you fell into a coma and did not wake up until a few days ago.” She sounds like she’s reciting text as she speaks. 

“So, what happened to her then?” Steve asks. “I know they have her in custody, but what are they gonna do with her? Keep her in custody until she dies?” He spears a piece of his ribeye.

“Like I’ve said,” Sharon responds, “SHIELD is trying to keep this under wraps, therefore, they’re running this show the way they want to. They won’t execute her, because she’s too valuable. They’ve been trying to interrogate her and get information out of her for a year. Normally, they wouldn’t really be trying this had, exhausting all efforts, but this was an attack like no other and she’s an enemy like no other. They’re willing to keep her for as long as possible.”

“What’s her name?” Steve asks.

Sharon purses her lips. “That’s classified.”

Steve huffs. “Who was she working with?”

Sharon tilts her head but stays silent.

“When can I talk to her?”

“What about Peggy Carter?” Sharon asks him, changing the topic of conversation. She sets her fork and knife down and crosses her arms.

“Peggy?” Steve can suddenly see flashes of the brunette woman in his head.

“She doesn’t know that you’ve been recovered,” Sharon says, answering his unasked question, “She does remember you though. For now.”

Steve swallows his breath. “Besides the Alzheimers, how has she been?”

Sharon’s lips curl into a smile and Steve can see a prideful expression on her face. “She’s a legend now. She’s built SHIELD up into what it is today. I’m proud to be her family.”

“She lived a full life. Or… she’s living,” Steve says.

Sharon nods. “She married and had children and grandchildren. She’s been so happy and lively after retiring.”

She reaches out and touches his wrist. “But she never forgot you. She spoke so highly of you for decades after the war ended. She remembers you as a hero.”

Steve stiffens. He doesn’t know what to consider his legacy to be. He doesn’t even know what’s been happening. How could he know if he truly is a hero?

“I don’t think I’m ready to see her,” Steve confesses.

Sharon almost looks relieved. “Good, because, to be honest, I don’t think I could convince Fury to let that happen anyways. At least not until your memories come back.”

Steve sighs. 

“I’m sorry.” Sharon rubs her lips together.

Steve shakes his head. “No need. You’ve done enough for me.”

Sharon inhales.

Steve pauses and asks, “But can you tell me more… tell me anything about Natasha?” The name feels foreign on his tongue.

Sharon tenses and looks away from him. “I can’t.”

“She wrote a letter to me. She obviously knows me,” Steve says, “You said you’ve been hanging onto the note for months. How long? Who is she?”

Sharon says nothing.

“I don’t know why you would want to hide her identity from me,” Steve says, “Clearly, from the letter, she meant something to me. She meant a lot. Now, I don’t think you’re playing tricks on me, so this has to be genuine. Who is she?”

“That’s not my story to tell,” Sharon says.

Steve frowns. “Why would you even bring her up, mention her to me, even tell me that letter exists if you don’t want me to ask questions? Are there more letters? Why hasn’t she come to see me? How come you have the letter? Why are you holding back when you were the one who told me about her?”

Sharon takes a deep breath. “I told you… SHIELD has a narrative to sell. That’s why they remain passive about everything. There’s more that has happened than what they’re telling you and I’ve said that I don’t support that. I would _love_ to tell you the honest truth so that you can understand, but I can’t because I don’t know it fully. I refuse to tell you everything at once because she is the key to everything and it takes slow steps to get to the truth.”

“I don’t understand.” Steve furrows his brows.

“ _Exactly_ ,” Sharon says, “I don’t either.” 

Steve just stares at her.

Sharon sighs when she sees the look on his face. “I know her. _Natasha_. I’ve talked to her. I’ve tried to get more answers out of her, but she won’t tell me more.”

“Who is she?” Steve asks. “When did she start writing these letters? Why is she writing them?”

“She started writing them after you were attacked,” Sharon responds. “She doesn’t want you to forget even though… even though SHIELD wants you to.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” Steve’s head is a mess and he doesn’t know what to think.

“But you _do_. Deep down, you already know,” Sharon says, knowingly, “I don’t need to connect the dots for you. I need you to figure out the truth for me.”

* * *

_ Before _

“The most _perfect_ human being ever,” Natasha snickers, “The Americans weren’t exaggerating back in the day.”

Steve feels like a zoo animal.

“Do it again,” she instructs him, pointing to the punching bag behind him.

Steve resists the urge to glare at her. He doesn’t like being told what to do, but he does think of this time to be a good way to let off some steam. It’s definitely necessary after all the shit he has to deal with. Most specifically, Natasha’s teasing and mocking.

He doesn’t say anything as he begins punching at the bag with all of his might.

Natasha watches with a smirk.

This has been going on for the past few days. Every day during the morning or afternoon, Natasha personally escorts Steve to a gym. The first time, he underwent a physical examination and afterward, Natasha has been instructing him on training. 

She doesn’t elaborate at all on what he’s getting in shape for, but he knows that she’s preparing him for the field. He doesn’t want to fight for her, his captor, but he doesn’t protest against getting a chance to exercise. It’s better than sitting around all day and wasting hours.

He’s thought about what she said about fighting for value, rather than for the country and as much as it pains him to admit it, he thinks she has a point. Still, he doesn’t let that get to him as he works out. Still, he doesn’t like being watched.

When the bag is pretty much destroyed and laying on the ground, Natasha claps her hands. 

Steve turns and watches as she ambles over closer to him.

“You’re still in excellent physical condition,” she says, “It seems that the ice hasn’t deterred you much.”

“I suppose.”

Steve finds it strange how much Natasha talks to him in a way that some would consider to be friendly teasing banter. She’s not as threatening as he would have thought she would be. She’s not kind, either, but still, the way she addresses him surprises her. She doesn’t treat him like how he would imagine one would treat a prisoner. Sometimes, it kind of feels like he isn’t being held captive. 

“It’s been a week since you woke up. How are you feeling?” 

“Fine.” It’s the truth but simplified enough that he doesn’t have to elaborate further.

“I don’t believe you.” She purses her lips.

Steve frowns. “Excuse me?”

Natasha crosses her arms. “Insomnia. The guards tell me they hear you shuffling around late at night. You don’t sleep.” She steps closer to him. “You can’t sleep.”

“I’m being held captive. I try to keep my opens.”

“I’m sure.” She sounds amused. “But you are a man who’s seen combat up close. You have experienced heartbreak and loss. You’ve seen _so_ much horror. It’s not atypical for a man like you to be feeling this way. You have an extensive collection of literature at your disposal. Post-traumatic stress disorder. I recommend you look into it.”

Before he can respond, she changes the subject. “It’s Spring. We don’t really get Spring weather, the type of weather you’re probably used to in the United States, here in Russia, but it’s a quieter time.”

Steve isn’t sure how he’s supposed to respond to that.

“Follow me.”

He follows as she leads him down a hallway that he has never been in. She scans a door open and he’s met with a view that is strikingly gorgeous. The sun is setting and he hasn’t even had dinner yet.

The mountains are breathtaking and the white snow looks beautiful along the rugged slopes. The sky is as clear as ever and as much as he loves and misses the architecture in Brooklyn, he has to admit that this natural view is extremely gorgeous.

“Are you hungry?” Natasha asks, snapping him out of his thoughts. 

All the training he’s done has been exhausting. He nods.

Using some foreign communication device that he’s still not fully accustomed to, Natasha speaks in her native tongue and presumably instructs a guard to bring a meal. 

She sits down at the round table and motions for him to join him. “We have a lot to discuss, Captain.”

“I imagine.”

Natasha chuckles. “I think it’s time to give you a little history lesson on what you’ve missed. _Hell_ , you missed all the disco.”

“Disco?” Steve raises a brow.

“We’ll get to that. First, we’re gonna start with what happened after you crashed into the ice. The guards have told me you’ve begun to read about the postwar times.”

Steve opens his mouth but is interrupted when the door behind him opens. He looks over his shoulder and sees the usual guard coming in with a tray in his hands.

He sets a plate and a glass of water in front of Steve and a cup of tea in front of Natasha.

“Спасибо,” Natasha mutters. She looks up at Steve. “Steak, brown rice, and broccoli. Not very common around here, but it is back in America. Dig in. You need it after that workout.”

Steve’s long past the point of wondering if the Russians have poisoned his food so he doesn’t hesitate to eat.

Natasha watches in amusement as she sips on her tea.

They’re silent for a few minutes before Natasha speaks up. “How far have you read about the postwar?”

“I’m in the early 60s now,” Steve responds. He’s had a lot of time on his hands when he isn’t eating meals with Natasha or training or trying to sleep.

“Have you read about the JFK assassination?” Natasha looks curious.

“No,” Steve answers. He looks up from his rice. “Why? Did the Russians do it?”

Natasha chuckles. “You could say that.” She looks away and rubs her lips, nodding to herself. She turns back to him and continues, “American president. Many people today said he was one of the best. He worked to relieve tension between the United States and Russia.”

“Yet your people killed him,” Steve says.

“I never confirmed that,” Natasha says, “It’s a bit more complicated than what the history books claim.” Her mind wanders to a man with dark hair and beautiful blue eyes.

“A lot of things are complicated, I suppose.”

“Exactly,” Natasha says. “But I’m not here to go down a timeline and list every single major event that happened in history. As exciting as disco may be, especially for the Americans, we don’t have that kind of time to discuss it.”

“Then what are we discussing?” Steve asks.

It’s always an unknown agenda with her. Steve’s never been good at reading women, but there’s just something about Natasha that’s impossible to decipher. It makes him more and more uncertain every day as to if he can get out of here. He’s thought of ways to do it, but every single idea he’s come up with has a flaw that he predicts Natasha can expose.

“Your _legacy_ ,” Natasha responds, mockingly. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a clicker.

Steve’s still adjusting to the technology and he’s taken aback when Natasha presses the clicker down and a hologram screen shows up next to them.

“Captain America. Steven Rogers,” Natasha says, “You were a growing celebrity in the mid-forties. You still are a celebrity to this day.”

Steve purses his lips, swallowing the hunk of broccoli he had been chewing on.

“After your supposed death, you were an icon in the world. Praised for everything you’ve done for your country,” Natasha continues, “Your legacy was never-ending and you were never forgotten. Not by Howard Stark or Peggy Carter or—”

Steve blanks out for a minute as flashes of his past come up in his mind. He sees Peggy’s chocolate brown locks and Howard’s bushy mustache and Bucky’s gleaming eyes. He takes a deep breath as he wonders what life they lived while he was gone. He wonders how Bucky’s soul is resting.

“Listen to me, Captain,” Natasha says, snapping him out of his thoughts. “In the United States, your name hasn’t been forgotten and I doubt that it ever will be. People tell stories about the good you did for your country. I know there are museum displays in honor of you.”

Steve tenses and he doesn’t know what to say as Natasha spends the next few hours telling him about history has gone on without him. He listens to her talk about the Cold War in-depth and the many conflicts that the United States has gotten caught in since World War II. 

He doesn’t know what to say when she finishes. It’s pitch black outside by the time they’re winding down.

“You are a hero, Captain Rogers. That is how the world remembers you,” Natasha says. “I am offering you a chance to be a hero again.”

“For the _Russians_.”

Natasha nods. “Does it matter? An American in distress and a Russian in distress. This isn’t the Cold War anymore.”

Steve knows she has a point, but he doesn’t trust her motives. “You’re keeping me captive. You’re the enemy. Why would I want to be a hero in your agenda? I don’t even know what your agenda is here.”

“You don’t know the world today,” Natasha says, “The world has its own conflicts, but we have our own inside this country’s borders. That’s where the focus is.”

“And you want me to fight on behalf of that?”

“It’s the right thing to do.”

Steve almost scoffs. “How would you know? How is your definition of the ‘right thing to do’ the same as mine?”

“I know who you are and that is enough for me. That is enough for the Russian people who need you,” Natasha responds.

“So, you know who I am,” Steve says. He swallows the last bite of his steak. “But who are you?”

“Natasha Romanoff,” she says and it sounds like she’s reciting a name.

“Who’s Natasha Romanoff?”

Natasha leans forward. “Master ballerina. Lethal assassin. Strategic tactician.” 

Steve doesn’t think he’ll ever understand how someone’s voice can sound so mocking no matter what they say. 

“I’m the best agent in Russia. Not the best female agent, but the best agent, overall,” Natasha declares, “I live up to my legacy. That’s who I am.”

And at that moment, she reminds him of Peggy. Her fierceness, driven determination, and that confident look in her green eyes… he sees Peggy.

Steve’s chest tightens. He knows he shouldn’t dare compare someone extraordinary like Peggy to his captor, but he can’t help it.

“Good night, Captain. Rest well,” Natasha drawls, leaving him alone with his thoughts. 

* * *

_ Now _

Sharon wakes up on the sofa the next morning. There’s a piece of paper stuck to her forehead and she groans as she stretches her arms. 

Sunlight peeks through her blinds and she rubs her eyes, patting her hand around the floor until she finds her phone. It’s just a few minutes past eight o’clock in the morning.

“What the _hell_ , Sharon,” she mutters to herself, “Quit your job and wakes up a mess. Didn’t even drink…”

She sits up and yawns, taking in her surroundings. Letters and letters lay around her and her heart sinks as she remembers what she had been doing last night.

She picks the letter off of her forehead and is about to read it when the doorbell rings. “ _Dammit_.” She forces herself up and walks to the door.

Sharon opens the door and sees Sam standing there, his eyes hidden behind massive sunglasses. “Sam?”

“You quit?” He doesn’t bother with any formalities.

Sharon’s still tired so she sheepishly nods. She moves aside to let him in.

Sam walks in and turns back around to face her. “Why did you resign?”

“I can’t stand SHIELD anymore,” Sharon responds, leading him to her kitchen. “Give me a minute.” She heads to the nearest bathroom, splashes cold water onto her face, and quickly slathers on a thin layer of lotion on her face. She brushes her hair and decides that she looks awake enough.

“So you can’t stand SHIELD anymore,” Sam says, sitting on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. “I need you to explain that to me. You seem to know more about what happened to them than any of us.”

Sharon leans against the stainless steel fridge. “SHIELD was creating a narrative that I can’t support. The story they were trying to sell about Captain America…”

“Out of everything that SHIELD has done, out of the bad things they’ve done, that turned you away?” Sam raises a brow.

Sharon inhales. “Maybe it’s been building up, but I was just so disillusioned with SHIELD and their values.”

Sam taps his fingers against the marble countertop. “You said they were in love. You said what they had was real. SHIELD said that she manipulated him to free herself and warped him into her plot to take down the Triskelion while also recruiting the Winter Soldier. Where did you even get that from?”

“I knew both of them,” Sharon responds, “I wasn’t there while they were in Russia but I was here. I was here while he was in his coma and while she was in custody. I was there when he woke up and started to get adjusted to SHIELD. I was there while they were finding their way back to each other. They loved each other. I was a front-row witness to it. All of it.”

“You _really_ believe that they fell in love in Russia?” Sam asks. “You seriously think that she actually gave a damn about him? Sharon, she was the most wanted assassin in the world for a reason.”

Sharon shakes her head. “You don’t understand, Sam. You didn’t see them the way I saw them. They were soulmates. They were the real thing.”

She walks towards him and leans on the kitchen counter, her elbows pressing against the countertop. “They were going to save the Winter Soldier and try to live life together. They had dreams. They weren’t what SHIELD thought they were.”

“How are you so sure? Like you said, you weren’t there in Russia. How do you know that she wasn’t playing him?”

Sharon understands why Sam would doubt it, but she’s so tired of people doubting her and them that she’s starting to feel frustrated. 

“I know. I just do. _God_ , it would be so much easier if Morse and Woo weren’t in deep undercover right now,” Sharon responds, “but if you were there to witness everything during the past few months, you would understand. It’s hard to explain, but don’t you dare tell me I’m wrong or being delusional. I know what I witnessed and I know that what they have is even stronger than… than Tony and Pepper.”

She takes a deep breath. “I know she was a criminal. I know that she did so many unforgivable things. But with him, she was different. She was better. She deserved a second chance. She deserved to make things right.”

Sam is silent and she deduces that he’s letting her explain everything before he comments again.

“I also know it was a complicated matter so I understand why SHIELD was being hesitant, but if Fury had just _listened_ … if he would’ve let me talk or… or if he had just sat down with them and talked to them, maybe he would’ve gotten it,” Sharon continues, “Maybe things wouldn’t be like this.”

She adds, “Fury made a shitty call. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for that. I can’t work for SHIELD anymore. Not after everything that’s happened. What they did was the most… frustrating and heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed. I can’t come back. I can’t do it.”

Sam sighs, scratching the back of his neck. “ _Sharon_ …”

Sharon raises a hand to silence him. “If you’re here to convince me to come back to SHIELD, I’m not doing it. I refuse.”

“That’s not why I’m here,” Sam says. “Barton told me you took Steve’s belongings before you left the Triskelion.”

“Are you here to take them back from me?” Sharon doesn’t care much for Steve’s tight shirts or grandpa-looking clothing, so she has no problem giving them back. She had just taken everything so that Fury wouldn’t ask questions.

Sam shakes his head. “No. I just thought you needed someone to talk to.”

“At eight in the morning?”

“You’re usually an early riser.”

Sharon chuckles.

“I know that you and Steve were close and that you helped him a lot. The fake time and the real time,” Sam says, “I wanted to check up on you.”

Sharon shrugs. “I’m fine.” Truly, she is. 

Sam raises a brow and looks around the interior. He pauses when he notices the mess in the living room. “What is all that?”

Sharon looks and replies, “Letters.”

“Letters?”

“She wrote them to him… while she was in custody. During his coma and after,” Sharon says. “I don’t care if you want to take back his stuff, but you can’t take these back.”

Sam walks over to the pile and crouches down. He picks one up and skims through it. With a sigh, he looks back up at her. “ _Sharon_ …”

“It’s all I have left of them,” Sharon says, defensively.

“Please don’t blame yourself for what happened,” Sam says, “If guilt is what you’re feeling… it’s not your fault.”

“It doesn’t really matter at this point,” Sharon says, joining him on the floor. “But they meant something to me. Their story… it means a lot to me and I want to keep their memory alive.”

“‘Dear Steve,’” Sam reads aloud, “‘Where are you? I need you. I don’t know what they’re going to do to me.’” He sighs. “How many of these are there?”

Sharon shrugs. “A lot.”

Sam purses his lips and looks deep in thought. After a moment, he says, “Let me read them all. I want to understand the way you do.”

She lets him. She needs people to understand their story.

* * *

_ After _

Steve feels joy when he sees Sharon entering his quarters. She looks distressed, carrying a manilla folder in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.

“Good morning, Steve,” Sharon greets him, settling in the armchair across from the one he’s sitting in.

He sets his tablet aside. “Morning, Sharon.”

“What have you been up to?” Sharon asks.

“Reading the news,” Steve responds. “There are a lot more countries than I remember there being during the War.”

Sharon smiles. “The world has changed.”

“And it seems like it won’t stop,” Steve notes.

She nods and places the manila folder on the table, taking a sip of her coffee in the process. “I know I’ve shot down all of your questions about Natasha, but I have some stuff for you.”

She opens the folder and lays out four pieces of paper, similar to the one she had let him see a week ago.

“Are these from her?” Steve asks, reaching for them.

“Yes.”

_ Dear Steve, _

_ Are you okay? They won’t tell me anything. They say you don’t remember me.  _

_ Dear Steve,  _

_ Where are you? I need you. I don’t know what they’re going to do to me.  _

_ Dear Steve, _

_ I’m so cold. I’m so lonely. Where are you? _

_ Dear Steve, _

_ I’m still here. I’m waiting for you. _

Steve’s stomach churns. He looks up at Sharon. “I don’t know what you expect me to do if you don’t tell me anything about her. Why does she write such short notes?”

“It’s all she can do. It’s all I can do for her,” Sharon responds.

Steve resists the urge to groan. “There’s not much I can do given the situation that I’m in.”

“You can remember,” Sharon says. “That’s what you can do.”

“I don’t know why I need to do that,” Steve says with a frown. “You knew me for those seven months before the coma. You were there for me through all the recovery. Shouldn’t you already know the truth? Shouldn’t you already know about Natasha?”

Sharon sighs. “It’s complicated.” She sounds like a broken record, but she can’t do anything about it. She won’t. 

“When were these written? None of these are dated,” Steve says.

Sharon shifts. “I can’t tell you.”

Steve looks at her in disbelief. “You can’t tell me,” he repeats. “You can’t tell me anything at all about this?”

“If I tell you what I know and you can’t do anything to react to it, then… I will have fucked up so badly that we’ll be past the point of no return,” Sharon says, “and I can’t do that. I can’t that risk.”

“If you won’t take a risk, why should I?”

“ _Because_ ,” Sharon responds, “we wouldn’t be in this situation if it weren’t for me. You wouldn’t have this piece of your past it wasn’t for me.”

She points to the letters as her tone slightly raises. “And I am taking a risk. Fury would kill me if he knew what I was doing for you right now.” 

Steve takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I know.” He doesn’t want to be angry towards Sharon. She’s been nothing but kind to him.

Sharon nods. “It’s fine.”

“But can you please just tell me anything about her? I don’t remember. Fury and Doctor Cho said I would remember by now, but I don’t. I don’t know a Natasha. I have no clue who she is. Can you just tell me one thing about her? Please.”

Sharon pauses, looking deep in thought. She clears her throat, her hands slightly shaking. “She was also attacked the day that you were attacked. She didn’t suffer the brunt of injuries like you did.”

Steve swallows his breath. “Then, where is she now? What happened to her afterward? Does she work for SHIELD?”

“You said one thing,” Sharon says, shaking her head. “I’m sorry.”

Steve sighs. “Why doesn’t Fury want me to know? She’s clearly someone I knew. Wouldn’t it help if I could speak to more people who knew me?”

Sharon looks away. “He can’t let anything change the story SHIELD wants to tell.”

“But it’s my story,” Steve says, “Who is he to decide how to tell my story?”

“Like we agreed,” Sharon responds, “the world is a different place now. It doesn't work as simply as any of us would like.”

Steve looks down at the four letters again. “So, when do you think I can see her?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

“Has she written me more letters than just the five?”

Sharon nods. “She’s written a ton. Ever since you were attacked. She’s been limited but when she can write, she does. She still does.”

“Does she know that I’m awake?” Steve asks.

“She doesn’t know that you were even in a coma,” Sharon confesses, “She hasn’t seen you. She doesn’t know about you.”

None of this makes any sense to him. He buries his face in his hands and inhales. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing here.”

“I’m sorry,” Sharon says, genuinely, “I really am.”

Steve licks his lips. “If I could just remember… all I want to do is remember.”

Sharon nods. “I know. I want you to remember, too, because I can’t do it for you.”

Steve doesn’t understand why, but for some reason, Sharon’s tone reflects more uncertainty than he would expect. He doesn’t know why. She had been there for him for seven months. Why does she sound like she doesn’t know him?

* * *

_ Before _

Steve is caught off guard when Natasha enters the gym dressed in an outfit that he has never ever seen women wear before. He’s never seen so much exposed skin.

Natasha snorts in amusement when she catches him staring. “Modern times. Modern dressing.” She puts her hair up in a ponytail and walks onto the mat near the pile of destroyed punching bags that Steve had been beating the shit out of. “Good morning, Captain. How did you sleep?”

“Alright,” he mutters, facing the other direction.

“The guards told me you were screaming in your sleep. Shaking and everything.”

“Just a nightmare,” Steve says, dismissively.

He would honestly rather train under her orders. He doesn’t want to discuss what he’s been going through and he doesn’t know why Natasha even bothers with the small talk when he’s literally her prisoner.

“What happened in it?” Natasha asks, moving so that she’s standing right in front of him. She crosses her arms over her chest and all that does is make Steve tempted to turn away again.

“Why do you care?” It comes out harsh as he intended.

Natasha looks unfazed. “I have them too.”

Steve purses his lips. “I didn’t really think you’d be the one to have them when you are one.” Perhaps it’s a low blow, but there’s nothing worse that he can’t handle.

He isn’t sure if Natasha is being genuine about talking about their nightmares. She doesn’t seem to be the type to be interested in little heart-to-hearts and he certainly has no interest in bonding with the woman who is keeping him trapped against his will.

It’s eating at him that he can’t figure her out. He doesn’t know why she’s treating him like a toy when the goal is to get him fighting on behalf of her side. He thinks it would make more sense if she was screaming at him, scaring him, and forcing him to follow in her command. He’s seen a lot of horror from war and it’s nowhere near as relaxed as the way he’s being treated in captivity.

Maybe he still just doesn’t understand women. But even then, there’s so much about her that is a mystery to him that he can’t figure out. He doesn’t understand it, but maybe that’s just the way she is. Maybe that’s how she gets what she wants. It would make sense if she was acting decent enough to get him to trust her so that she can use that to her advantage.

It’s definitely plausible but Steve just can’t decide what’s true and what’s not. He doesn’t know what kind of game he’s been thrust into, but it unsettles him to know that he is just a pawn in it.

“I’ve had them since I was a child,” Natasha says, ignoring what he had just said. “I’ve lived through them.”

“I’m living one now.”

Natasha chuckles. She grabs his wrist and takes him to the mat. “Fight me.”

“Excuse me?” He’s surprised at how strong she is.

“You heard me. Fight me. That’s your training for today,” Natasha says, casually.

When he says nothing, she adds, “I know you’re probably dying to get a hit on me considering the situation you are in.”

She’s not wrong, but she’s using that damn teasing tone and he doesn’t trust her, so he isn’t sure how to approach the order.

“I know you were born in the olden days but you don’t need to tap into those old values,” Natasha says, “Use your anger. Channel it. Take it out on me. You’re a prisoner. You’re at Russia’s mercy. That should rile you up, so act like it.”

He wants to. He really does. He’s definitely been keeping his emotions in check and trying to keep everything under wraps. He’s been dealing with too much at once with both the past and present causing issues for him.

But Steve just can’t bring himself to do it. It’s not that he doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction. Rather, he doesn’t want to play in her game anymore. “ _No_.”

Natasha pretends to pout. “Oh, _come on_ , Captain. Don’t be boring.”

“I don’t want to play these games.”

Honestly. Things would make more sense if he were being tortured. He doesn’t want to be tortured, but at least he would understand what’s going on. It wouldn’t be like Natasha’s treating him as a friend of some sort. Kind of.

“Tell you what,” Natasha says, “I’ll elaborate more about the upcoming operation if you throw some punches my way.”

Steve’s brows furrow. “Excuse me?”

“Tap into your old Captain America heroics and try to fight me,” Natasha responds, “and as you do so, I’ll explain what’s going to happen in just a couple of days.”

“I don’t fight women.” It’s a weak excuse, but he had been born in another time.

Natasha rolls her eyes. “This isn’t the early twentieth century anymore. I can put up a good fight.”

Steve shakes his head. “I won’t.”

“I’m trying to make things easier for you,” Natasha says, shaking her head. “Must you make this so difficult for yourself?”

Steve swallows his breath. “It doesn’t matter what I do. I’m still your prisoner.”

“I told you from the very first day that everything that ends up happening is your decision. You don’t have to be a prisoner. You can fight for what is right,” Natasha says. “That’s exactly what we’ll be doing tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Steve squints.

Natasha doesn’t respond with words. Instead, she lunges towards him and her fist just barely misses his face. 

He dodges her attack and backs away from her. “Stop.”

“I’m not going to,” Natasha says, attacking him again. “So, stop holding back.”

It’s back and forth for a minute, but eventually, Steve accepts that there’s no way that he can get out of this, so he does as he’s told.

“There’s a village of bunkers about fifty miles away from here,” Natasha says, roundhouse kicking him in the chest, “They’re keeping some of our men and women there. Mostly tech people, a few agents.”

Her use of the word “out” makes Steve realize that he hasn’t thought much about who’s running the show here. He has only seen or heard from Natasha, the guards and the medical staff. He suspects there are more people roaming around the building, but he has heard nothing about them. He wonders if Natasha is in charge or if she is merely following orders from an authoritative figure. “Hm.”

“They were taken hostage by a rebel militant group in hopes to negotiate with us,” Natasha adds, “but we don’t negotiate.”

He has never fought anyone like her. He has never fought a woman and has never seen a woman fight like this, but out of everyone he has ever fought, he has never seen someone as skilled as her. It makes him wonder what she’s been through. Who she is.

“So, what are we supposed to do?” Steve asks. “What am I supposed to do?”

He already knows, but he wants to hear her say it clearly. He’s already known from everything that’s been happening. The training. The health evaluations. The meetings with the medical ward’s psychiatrist. They’re preparing to send him out on their behalf. 

“Isn’t it obvious? Save them. You and I will be the ones to ambush the bunkers and get them out of there.”

“Why should I?” Steve huffs, dodging another attack. “Why should I save those hostages when you’re keeping me as a hostage?”

She moves extremely fast and he’s finding it difficult to keep up with her. “Despite what you may rightfully think, not all of us are bad.”

“No one is freeing me. They must agree with this,” Steve says, trying to back away from her.

“I don’t think you understand why you’re here. You don’t truly understand your purpose,” Natasha drawls, moving so intensely that he can barely comprehend it.

“Do enlighten me.” Steve dodges another punch.

“You are not a prisoner, Captain. You are a new hero with a new purpose in a new age. All you need to do is understand that I am not here to be your enemy. The people working with me are not here to be your enemy,” Natasha explains, kicking at his calf and bringing him down to the floor with her thighs. 

She hovers over him as he lays flat on his back. “We are here to be with you.”

At that moment, Steve feels delirious and it doesn’t help that she looks beautiful in front of him. Beautifully crazy.

* * *

_ After _

The door opens and Steve looks up from the timeline of American presidents that he’s been reading over the past couple hours. He’s expecting Sharon but is caught off guard when he sees a man resembling Howard Stark walking in.

“Ah, you must be Capsicle,” the man drawls, patting down the front of his three-piece suit.

“Capsicle?” Steve sets down his tablet.

“Captain America in ice like a popsicle. Capsicle. It's a joke,” he says, sitting across from him. “Tony Stark.”

Steve’s taken aback. “As in… Howard Stark’s son?” He had read in Howard’s files that he and his wife were both deceased. He had forgotten that it had mentioned their son too.

Tony nods. “Yeah, but I really don’t care for any formalities or introductions beyond that so we can move past that.”

He leans back in his seat. “So, I heard 13’s been babysitting you again. How’s that going?”

“She’s helpful,” Steve says, truthfully. Perhaps not as helpful as he would like, but helpful enough.

“Agent Barton is pretty relieved that you’re giving him a break from her,” Tony says, “They act like brother and sister so he needed a break. Have you met Agent Barton yet?”

Steve shakes his head.

“Hm, consider yourself lucky. Legolas is a pain in the ass,” Tony retorts. He crosses his arms. “How much do you know about SHIELD’s upcoming projects?”

“Barely anything,” Steve replies, “Everything’s classified apparently and I can’t be told anything until my memories come back.”

Tony snorts in amusement. “Fury is really playing petty.”

“Care to elaborate? Agent Carter’s following his orders so she won’t tell me a thing.” In Steve’s opinion, Tony seems to be the type of person who loves talking.

“Well, I don’t technically work under SHIELD’s payroll,” Tony says, “so in theory, I suppose I could blow a few whistles.”

Steve raises a brow. “What do you then?”

“My father had a lot of ties to this place,” Tony responds, “but my main profession lies within Stark Industries.” He points to Steve’s tablet. “We made that for you. How are you liking it?’

Steve glances at it. “A bit heavy, I guess,” he admits.

Tony shrugs. “Duly noted.” He cocks his head. “How many people have you met here?”

“Not many people,” Steve responds, “Fury. Dr. Cho and her staff. Some random people in the gym. Sharon. You.”

“ _Hm_ ,” Tony says, “Well, you really _are_ being isolated. You haven’t even met Coulson yet. A shame. A shame, indeed.”

Steve just sits there, awkwardly, unsure of how to respond to him. 

Tony clasps his hands together. “Well, Fury might kick my ass for talking to you, but my iron suit can take all the bullets he sends my way. _Basically_ ,” he says, pointing a finger at him, “you’re going to be thrust into the field. No more lounging around the Triskelion.”

“What war is there to fight?”

Tony chuckles. “Not that kind of war anymore.”

Steve rubs his lips. “You’re almost sounding like Fury.”

Tony winces. “ _Ooh_. Can’t have that happening.” He leans forward. “How much do you know about SHIELD in general? You said you don’t know much about the work they do. How much do you know about the organization itself?”

“Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division,” Steve recites from memory. “A mouthful.”

“Mhmm,” Tony nods.

“I know it’s an intelligence agency. Very secretive. You can barely find any information about them at all,” Steve adds, “But they work for the good side. They work on the right side.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Tony says. “The agenda has seemed to change after you were discovered. Fury has a new initiative in set that’s gonna start today.”

Steve points to his temple. “But I don’t remember anything yet. I should be remembering by now.” He had been told that his memories should be coming back, but he's getting nothing. It concerns him.

Tony purses his lips for a moment, seemingly pondering what to say. “I know. It sounds like a crazy idea, but Fury has the plan set in motion.” He snickers. “Teaming up with Legolas and Banner? It’s insane to think about.”

Steve isn’t sure who sucks at explaining things more. Fury probably still has the edge but Tony is far ahead of Sharon at this point. 

“As far as I know, the initiative is unnamed,” Tony adds, “but he needs to paint a picture in which you lead a team to save the world. You'll get your shield back and everything. Fury definitely needs to get things going after what went wrong in Russia—”

The door opens and Sharon walks in, adjusting her blazer. She stops in the doorway when she sees Tony. “What the hell are you doing here, Stark?”

Tony looks over his shoulder. “Oh, hey, 13! How’s it going?”

Sharon frowns and walks over to them. “Why are you talking to Captain Rogers?”

“I’m making conversation with Spangles,” Tony responds, “I’m a celebrity so he had to know me eventually.”

Sharon rolls her eyes. “Fury never gave you permission to talk to him.”

“Like I give a damn what Fury says I can and can’t do,” Tony scoffs, waving his hand dismissively.

She scowls at him. “ _Stark_.”

“What?” Tony holds his hands up dismissively. “We were having a harmless conversation.”

“Nothing’s really harmless when it comes to you,” Sharon snaps at him.

“ _Jesus_ , Carter,” Tony says, “I can totally understand why Robin Hood is glad your partnership is on a break.”

Sharon crosses her arms. “You exhaust me.”

“Get used to that, Barbie,” Tony says, “We’re all gonna be working together in a team soon enough. You’ll have to juggle me and Barton. Maybe Stars and Stripes too.”

Steve raises a brow.

Sharon glares at him. “ _Stark!_ I’d shoot you right now.”

Tony snorts. “I know.”

Steve speaks up. “Is everything alright?”

Tony leans back in his seat and gestures for Sharon to come closer.

“Fury wants to see you, Steve,” Sharon says. “ _Now_.” She doesn’t sound pleased and the cold look in her eyes makes Steve feel small.

* * *

_ Before _

Steve has just reached the 800 page mark of “Anna Karenina” when Natasha walks into his room, dressed in a leather suit.

“Good evening, Captain,” Natasha greets him, busying herself by strapping something onto her wrist. “It’s time.”

A guard walks in behind her and tosses a uniform at him.

“Get dressed. We leave at the hour,” Natasha instructs him, before heading back out of the room. 

Steve takes a deep breath and mentally prepares himself to be back in action. 

A few minutes later, he’s dressed in his suit and Natasha walks in, holding a silver box. 

She smirks as she looks up and down at him. “It looks good.”

Steve has to agree. It’s definitely an upgrade in comparison to what he had worn back in the forties. The modern touches make it look cooler and he definitely likes the stealth material.

“But you can’t fight without this.” Natasha opens the box.

Steve sucks in a breath when he sees his shield and he reaches for it.

Natasha snaps the box shut. “Not yet. We need to load onto the trucks.” She motions for him to follow.

Steve walks behind her, passing the last guard as she leads him down an array of hallways that he has never been down before. He catches glimpses of offices and other rooms that are either empty or populated by a few people.

A blonde woman with a tight ponytail and sharp nose looks at him like he’s a piece of meat as they turn a corner.

“Is this your toy, Natalia?” The woman drawls.

Steve frowns at the name “Natalia”, but he supposes there’s a lot about Natasha that he doesn’t know. 

“Settle down, Yelena,” Natasha says, “We have work to do.”

“Удачи,” Yelena says with a snicker. She turns to Steve and has a mischievous smirk on her face that only rivals Natasha’s. “Pleased to meet you, капитан.”

Natasha rolls her eyes and motions for Steve to walk faster. “We don’t have all night.”

“Who is that?” Steve asks.

They must be getting near the exit because Steve can feel the chills of cold air running through.

“Yelena Belova,” Natasha responds, “Another agent here. I’m the best one they have here, but she’s very good too. If she had been assigned to you, I don’t know if you would be in as good shape as you are now. We’re good for different reasons.”

Steve pauses when she says “assigned” and wonders if he will ever know who is truly in charge. He knows he’s the pawn but he’s not sure who Natasha is supposed to be on a chessboard. He suspects she’s the Queen, but she may be a rook or a bishop or a knight. He can’t figure it out.

He has no time to waste on thinking when he’s pushed into the back of a truck, sitting by Natasha and several other men and women. None of them look friendly and some carry machine weapons.

“Lebedev,” Natasha says to a dark-haired man with a chiseled jaw and dark blue eyes. She starts speaking in Russian and Steve assumes that she’s giving him instructions.

“Petrovich.” Lebedev taps on a nearby man’s shoulder with the butt of his weapon and speaks in Russian.

“How are we doing this?” Steve asks as Natasha turns to face him.

“We’re taking the south end of the bunkers,” Natasha responds, “Just the two of us because that terrain behind is rough and it’s doubtful that many would escape that way if they were to. We take down every militia man and get as many of our people out of there as possible.”

“Are there any civilians in there?” 

Natasha shakes her head. “Our intel says no. It’s just our people.”

Steve makes a mental note to figure out who their “people” are.

They arrive at the site and Natasha hands him his shield. He takes it in his hands and it feels right to have it back in his grasp. It’s familiar and he feels a bit more complete with it.

He looks at his surroundings and takes in the beauty of the Russian snowscapes. 

Everything moves fast and before he knows it, he and Natasha are running across the snow. Natasha’s barking instructions at him as they sneak into one of the bunkers. 

Steve watches up close how Natasha operates during a mission and is taken aback at how skilled and efficient she is physically and with her choice weaponry. 

“There are sixteen of our people scattered around the bunkers,” Natasha says to him as they turn around a corner. She touches her ear where an earpiece is in set. “Petrovich says they’re kept in quartets. He has a visual. No audio.”

Steve opens his mouth to ask a question, but Natasha suddenly shoves him out of the way and he sees her lunge at a man, using the gauntlets around her wrist to shock him. Behind him, another man appears with a gun and Steve sends his shield flying as a few more men come out around them.

They fight for a few minutes when they hear the sound of screams. Steve turns and sees four bound men and women being forced into another hallway.

“You fight them off. I’m going after them,” Natasha says and she’s gone before Steve can respond.

Steve does as he’s told and it’s not like she has to order him for him to fight. There are at least five men, all armed and trying their best to kill him. He doesn’t need to be told to fight.

Fighting reminds him of his old life during the war and it makes him fight with more intensity as he gets flashes of Bucky’s face showing up in his mind.

All but one of the men are on the ground and Steve is ready to take him down when the man falls at his feet. He looks down and sees a bullet in the man’s back.

Steve looks back up and sees a man dressed in a red suit with a white star on his chest. The whole look is familiar and it’s almost like he’s staring at someone similar to himself. 

He backs up, shield in hand, as the man lazily waves his gun around.

The man chuckles and with the thickest Russian accent that Steve has ever heard, he says, “You must be the Captain.”

Steve says nothing. He doesn’t recognize the man immediately, but something about him makes him still.

“Alexei Shostakov,” he introduces himself, “Red Guardian. Black Widow told me about you.”

“Black Widow?” Steve frowns. He still keeps his guard up, though. He doesn’t know who this man is.

“ _Me_ ,” Natasha says behind him. 

Steve turns to face her.

She looks more disheveled than she did earlier and there’s some blood on her suit, but he doubts that it’s her own. “That’s what they call me. Just like how people called you Captain America.”

Natasha steps closer to him and looks at the bodies lying around them. “Impressive work, Captain.”

“Where are the hostages? Are they okay?” It’s not like he personally cares for them, but it’s just the good guy in him.

“See for yourself, Captain,” Natasha drawls, beckoning for him to follow her.

Shostakov nods encouragingly and the teasing look on his face makes Steve wonder if this is just typical mannerisms for Russians. 

Steve’s mouth is agape when he sees the number of bodies lying on the ground and the number of weapons around them. The four men and women he had seen earlier are being escorted out by Lebedev.

“You did all this?” Steve’s incredulous.

Natasha wipes some blood off of her chin. “You sound surprised? I’m almost offended.” She turns and motions for Steve to follow her back into the hallway. “Shostakov, прибирать,” Natasha instructs the Russian, before disappearing into another hallway.

He snatches the shield out of Steve’s grasp and chuckles, spinning the vibranium object in the air.

“You look surprised.”

Steve looks at him. “I didn’t know what to expect.” He’s trying to remain impassive because he knows that there’s a possibility that he could be able to escape. 

The expression on Shostakov’s face tells him that he already knows and Natasha had already known what’s going through his head right now.

Steve’s not an idiot, though. He knows that now is not the time to escape. There’s too much at risk and if he were to do it, it would have to be a different time. He needs to think of a plan instead of going by impulse. He knows better than to go in blindly.

“There is a reason, Captain, that they call her the Black Widow,” Shostakov says with a snicker. “She is the best.” He points a finger at him warningly. 

Steve doesn’t doubt that in the slightest. In a way, he thinks he admires her. There’s no one like her. It disgusts him.

* * *

_ Now _

Sharon has her head down on her kitchen table, mumbling about how much she despises Sam’s whistling as the man himself makes brunch. 

“I’m cooking food for you, Sharon,” Sam says, “The least you could do is put on a smile.”

“I will _murder_ you, Samuel.” She looks up and shoots a glare at him.

“I’m closer to the knives than you are,” Sam retorts, flipping a pancake in the air.

Sharon rolls her eyes. “I don’t need a knife to do what I want.”

Sam snickers. “I’m sure.”

Sharon sighs, digging her hand in the cardboard box with the letters that she and Sam hadn't looked through yet.

“The letters are really getting to you, _huh?_ ” Sam asks, looking over his shoulder. “Come on, Sharon. Take a break. Eat some food.”

“I’m going to eat. Relax,” Sharon says, “I’m fine. I don’t know why you sound like I’m not.”

“Like I said,” Sam responds, “I just want to make sure you’re fine.”

“I _am_ ,” Sharon insists. “Don’t pull a Fury on me.”

Sam snorts in amusement as he comes over to the table, laying plates of food in front of her. “Don’t worry about that.”

Sharon looks down at the plates. “Sam, you and I can’t eat all of this. I know you like eating, but even you can’t eat all this.”

“Who says it’s just me and you?” Sam grins. “You need company.”

“ _Oh my God_ ,” Sharon groans. “Who did you invite over?”

There’s a knock at the door and Sharon gets up to answer the door. She groans when she sees who’s standing there. “Oh, _fuck off_ , please.”

“That’s not any way to treat your guests,” Tony pouts, tapping her on the nose.

“I’ll kill you.” Sharon narrows her eyes at them.

“Please do,” Clint chuckles. “You’ll be doing Pepper a favor.”

“Shut it, Katniss.”

“So, what’s going on here?” Clint asks, ignoring Tony. “It smells good.”

Sam points to the cardboard box. “We’re reading letters.”

Tony raises a brow. “Letters?”

“Letters they wrote,” Sharon clarifies, “When I took his belongings from SHIELD, they were there.”

Clint purses his lips before asking, “Did they write them to each other?”

Sharon nods.

Tony sighs. “Carter, if you’re still beating yourself up over it—”

“Despite what Fury thinks, I’m fine,” Sharon says, “It just fucking sucks. For many, _many_ reasons. It’s been exactly a week. I’m _fine_.”

“Have you been watching the news?” Clint asks.

Sharon shakes her head. “No. I don’t want to make myself feel even more disgusted with SHIELD than I already do.”

Sam inhales. “SHIELD is covering everything up. As far as the public is concerned, the Black Widow came from Russia to eliminate Captain America after she found out he was saved from the ice from SHIELD. She killed him and then got herself killed from that. The Winter Soldier has no part in this. That’s the story.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Sharon says, wrinkling her nose. “Fury was never going to let SHIELD take the blame for everything.”

“It’s for the greater good,” Tony says. “In the long run, we are all better off this way.”

“I don’t care,” Sharon says, shaking her head. “Yeah, we’re fine, but we messed up. SHIELD messed up. I’m so tired of SHIELD fucking up and pretending it wasn’t their fault.”

“What the two of them were planning to do was dangerous… especially with the Winter Soldier involved,” Clint says, “They were taking a major risk to begin with.”

Sharon huffs. “Well, look what’s happened now. The Winter Soldier is long gone. Who knows if we’ll ever get him? SHIELD is getting all this fucked up media attention that they shouldn’t be getting. And worst of all, Steve and Natasha are—”

“You really believe that they were in love?” Tony interrupts her.

“She’s a firm believer,” Sam responds. He motions for them to come closer. “Food’s ready. There are letters to be read.”

* * *

_ After _

“Rogers.” Fury leans back in his leather chair, an amused expression piercing his usual hard gaze.

“Sir,” Steve greets him. “Agent Carter said you wished to see me.”

“It’s been a little over a week and it seems that your memories still aren’t coming back. I talked to Doctor Cho and her staff and it seems like it’s possible we’ll have to start from scratch again,”

Steve blinks. “I’m not going to remember?”

“It seems like you won’t,” Fury says. “Doctor Cho will do another exam on you later today. We both believe that your memories are lost.”

Steve stiffens and his chest starts pounding. He doesn’t know what to think. How can he get through this? “Forever?”

Fury nods. “I’m sorry, Captain Rogers.”

Steve takes a deep breath.

“The only good thing that you get out of this is a chance to start fresh,” Fury reasons, “Another one. Most people don’t even get one. Let alone two.”

Steve looks at him in disbelief.

Fury continues, “We’re gonna depend on muscle memory. Agent 13 will help you get situated with SHIELD before you start working.”

“A mission, sir?”

Fury nods.

“This is how you’re going to try to get me back in the world?” Steve raises a brow.

“We’re going to try to save it,” Fury says. “It’s time.”

Steve doesn’t know how he feels about that. He doesn’t feel comfortable enough in the modern-day and the fact that he has seven months' worth of memories in the present day that he lost doesn’t sit well with him.

Fury seems to notice the uncertainty on his face. “Everything will be alright, Rogers. Agent 13 is one of my best agents and she’ll make sure that you’re ready. We wouldn’t have this much confidence in you if we didn’t think that you were ready.”

Steve pauses and asks, “And what am I gonna do?”

“The Avengers Initiative,” Fury answers, “is a new project that SHIELD is working on. We want you to lead it.”

“What?” He feels disbelief take over him.

“You heard me,” Fury responds. “We’re building a team and that team needs a leader. Who could be better than you?”

Steve hesitates. “How can I be a hero in a world that I don’t recognize? A world that I don’t know?”

“I think you can do anything, Rogers,” Fury says. “I’m not telling you because I want you to suit up with your shield and get on the field right now. I’m telling you now because I want you to prepare yourself. You were a hero back then and I know you can be one now.”

Fury continues, “I’ll have debriefing packets sent to your quarters so that you can do some research and reading. I’ll add in the files of everyone on your team, but you’ll already be familiar with at least one of them. Sharon Carter. We’ll also be assembling Clint Barton, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, and Sam Wilson.”

Steve purses his lips and frowns. “I still have to live in the medical wing of the Triskelion?” He knows there are more important matters to think about and discuss, but he also thinks his living situation ought to be talked through.

Fury cocks his head. “Are you comfortable there?”

“I’d rather not live there,” Steve responds.

“Fair enough,” Fury says, “You’re not quite ready to be thrust into ordinary civilian life, nor do we want you out there. We’ve been arranging new living quarters within the Triskelion for you. I suppose it's time for you to move in.”

“Alright,” Steve says. “So, what about my attacker?”

Fury narrows his eyes at him. “What about her?”

Steve shrugs. “I’m not getting my memories back from the looks of it. She can’t mess with my mind if there’s really nothing there for her to mess with. Can’t I interrogate her now?”

Fury almost looks amused. “Bold of you to ask that, Rogers.”

“What’s the reason now? Why can’t I do it?” Steve asks.

“Your focus is the Avengers Initiative,” Fury responds, “Your attack, as I have said and reiterated, is a _closed_ case. She is in custody and we are working to get as much intelligence as we can out of her. Most of that intelligence has absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s not your concern. You have a team to lead.”

Steve frowns. “You’re going to try and exert all that control over me? You won’t give me a say in anything?”

Fury crosses his arms. “This is not as easy as you would like it to be. I’m sorry things have to be this way, but when it comes to complicated matters, we’re stuck with complicated solutions.”

“You can’t expect me to conform to everything you say.” Steve shakes his head.

“I know that,” Fury says, “which is why I’m going to grant you permission to visit Peggy Carter in the hospital. Of course, there will have to be protocol decided to make that happen, but at least that’ll be one thing that I know you’re not defying me for.”

Steve’s chest tightens. “I don’t know if I can see her.”

“Why not?” Fury asks. “She’s your connection to your past.”

“We’re in a different place. A different time. A different world,” Steve responds. 

“True,” Fury says, “but maybe talking to her will relieve some of the stress that you’re feeling. Maybe talking to her will help you warm up to the idea of working on the field for SHIELD. After all, Agent Carter the First is a legend within these walls.”

Steve inhales. “Talking about her isn’t going to make me forget there is a prisoner within these walls you speak of. A prisoner that I should have the right to speak to.”

“Don’t push it, Rogers,” Fury says, warningly, “There is only so much I can condone.”

“Are you against closure? If I talk to her and ask her all the questions I want to ask, that’ll give me the chance to have closure,” Steve says, “I need it.”

“I understand.” Fury nods. “But I’m sorry. We can’t let you talk to her.” He has a cold look on his face as if he’s tired of talking about her.

Steve’s jaw clenches. “Why does it even matter? Why won’t you let me do what I think is best for me?”

Fury shakes his head. “You were in a coma for a year. SHIELD was there through it all. We know what the best thing for you is.”

Steve glares at him.

“You’ve been given Level 5 clearance again,” Fury changes the subject, “Agent 13 will ensure that you are using it properly. If you were hoping, you don’t have the clearance to access prisoner records or the prison itself so don’t get your hopes up.”

He gestures towards the ceiling to floor windows that show off a beautiful view of Washington, D.C. “There’s a whole world out there, Rogers. Don’t get too fixated on what’s between these walls,” Fury says, “SHIELD is important. The past is important, too. But there is a present and most importantly, there is a future. That’s what you need to focus on.”

Steve takes a deep breath. “Maybe you’re right. I’ll lead your team. I’ll make sure the Avengers Initiative is successful. I’ll do that, but I’m not going to forget. One day you’ll make the right call and let me interrogate her. It’s my right.”

Fury clasps his hands together and even with his eyepatch, he looks as intimidating as ever. “We’ll see about that.”

Steve leaves without responding.

* * *

_ Before _

His heart is pounding and he feels a thin layer of sweat on his body when he wakes up.

He’s breathing heavily as his chest rises and falls. Steve groans in the pitch black darkness and falls back into bed when the lights turn on. They’re not as bright as usual and are low enough that it doesn’t catch him off guard.

“Nightmare?” 

Steve looks up and sees Natasha standing in the doorway, dressed in a black sweatshirt and tight black leggings. He’s never seen her wear something so casual. “I… _uh_ … yeah.”

Natasha comes closer, arms crossed, and asks, “Would you like to talk about it?”

Steve sucks in a breath. Discussing his nightmares with her out of all people feels strange and he isn’t quite keen about that. 

“I have them too,” she reminds him. “We can both share.”

Steve looks at her and he’s surprised at how soft her facial expression is. She doesn’t have that cold mask on her face. 

Natasha sits at the chair by the edge of his bed. “Post-traumatic stress disorder won’t resolve itself.”

He knows that. Every time he goes for checkups in the medical ward, he’s forced to discuss his feelings and mental state with one of the doctors there and he absolutely despises it. “I know.”

“I know that speaking to Volkh can get tiring so I’ll give you a break from that,” Natasha says.

Steve remains silent.

Natasha cocks her head. “What haunts you at night, Captain?” She runs a hand through her curly red locks. “Bucky Barnes?”

Steve stiffens and unwillingly confirms Natasha’s suspicions. 

“ _Hm_ ,” Natasha says, “I have dreams about people who used to be in my life too. They’re haunting.”

“People you've killed, I assume?” Steve raises a brow. “I saw what you’re capable of the other night.”

Natasha lets out a chuckle. “I’ve lived a long life. I have encountered many people. I have killed a great deal of them, but not everyone is a target to me.”

She folds her hands together. “I’ve read about Sergeant Barnes. Very unfortunate how he passed. Sounded like a great man.”

Steve looks away from her. “He was.”

“If I were to give you a pencil and paper, could you draw the look on his face when you lost him?” 

“What?”

“You see him die, don’t you? He fell to his death,” Natasha responds, “and that image haunts you at night.”

It terrifies him knowing how spot on she is. He doesn’t know how it’s possible for a person to know him this well without truly knowing him.

“I see a lot of things,” Steve says. It’s partially truthful.

“As do I,” Natasha says, “but there are some things that recur. I imagine that’s the case with you and Barnes.”

He doesn’t want to discuss Bucky, least of all with her, out of all people. If there’s one way that the Russians can get to him, it’s definitely through Bucky.

“I saved him once,” Steve says, quietly, “I wish I could have done it a second time.”

“We all live with regrets. With things we wish we could’ve done, but didn’t,” Natasha says. “You are not alone, Captain.”

Steve looks back at her, stifling a scoff. “Really? I find it very hard to resonate with you if that’s what you’re attempting to get me to do. Having a heart-to-heart with my captor isn’t exactly what I deem as normal.”

Natasha doesn’t even flinch. “I’m not here to hold your hand, Captain. I’m not here to be your enemy either. Russia is not trying to be your foe. You’re working with us. It requires a level of trust.”

“If that’s what you’re seeking from me,” Steve says, “you won’t be getting it.”

“Tell me something personal about Barnes,” Natasha says, “and I’ll tell you something personal about me.”

“That is _not_ how trust works.”

Natasha sniggers. “How would you know? You’ve been out of society for almost seventy years.”

Steve glares at her.

Natasha shrugs. “I’m the only company that you can keep, Captain. You might as well do what you can with it.”

She’s tried to drill it in his head enough that he is not a prisoner and in some ways, Steve understands that. He certainly isn’t being held captive in traditional matters, so to speak, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s being held against his will. 

He also understands that he is supposedly seen as an asset, an ally, a partner to Russia, but he isn’t sure if he can fully trust that. How can he know that this isn’t just a part of some elaborate ploy with a bigger endgame in mind? How can he trust that Natasha isn’t just putting on an act? He’s certainly seen what she’s capable of.

“Fine,” Natasha speaks up, interrupting his thoughts. “I’ll go first, but you better do your end of the deal.”

“We never made a deal.”

“It’s cute you think that way,” Natasha retorts. She purses her lips for a moment and then says, “Shostakov. They wanted me to marry him. They were going to have it arranged years ago. At the time, I was just a trainee and he was a pilot. One of the best.” She chuckles as if reminiscing the past. “But then they had other plans. They made him a new operative. The Red Guardian.”

She looks up at him. “They prioritized that. I was fine with that. Never loved him. They needed a response to you.”

“To me?” Steve frowns.

Natasha nods. “Russia needed its own Captain America.”

Steve studies the features of her face. “How old are you?”

Natasha raises a brow. “I already shared something personal. It’s your turn.”

Steve pauses, drumming his fingertips along the wall. “Bucky was the best person I knew. I met him when I was young when I was getting beaten up in alleyways.” He gestures towards his body. “Before the serum, of course.”

Natasha nods. He’s surprised how carefully it seems that she’s listening.

“We went through a lot together, especially since both of my parents passed away,” Steve continues. “We had some disagreements when the war started up. I think that started the challenges that plagued us. Things changed so fast after that. I got the serum and Bucky… I lost him for the first time to… to Hydra.” 

He inhales. “I got him back and I thought all was going to be okay, but then… here we are now. We had always said we’d be there for each other until the end of the line. I just didn’t think that line would be cut too short.”

He says more than he intended and he’s surprised that he actually shared that with her.

Natasha has a solemn expression on her face. “He sounds like a good man.”

“He was.”

“You see him in your dreams,” Natasha says, “I bet you hear him say it. ‘Until the end of the line’. Before he falls to his death.” She doesn’t even ask it. She just says it. Steve doesn’t know how does it.

“I do,” Steve admits. It’s not like lying would do him any good or bad. She already seems to know.

“ _Haunting_ ,” Natasha hums, “I get that. I see old memories that seem too distant in my nightmares. I understand.”

Steve swallows his breath. “You live with regrets?”

Natasha looks at him. “I’m a person, aren’t I?”

Steve hesitates. “Will you regret keeping me captive? No matter how decent enough the arrangements are, it doesn’t change the fact I’m being held against my will.”

“I’ve lived through lifetimes of things people wouldn’t believe,” Natasha responds, “Sorry if this hurts you, Captain, but no. I will not. My regrets are from long ago, a time that I cannot connect to.”

They’re both silent for a few minutes before Steve speaks up. “You said that the Red Guardian was made in response to me. You’re the Black Widow. Seemingly, you’ve been here for a long time. Who were you made for?”

“I was made for no man,” Natasha responds, raspily, “Every man. _Russia_.”

Steve frowns and opens his mouth to ask another question, but Natasha raises her hand dismissively. 

Her green eyes pierce him before she leaves the room. They’re haunting, but they’re beautiful. And at that moment, Steve believes that maybe Natasha let her walls down for once.

She’s still a mystery regardless. Who is she?

* * *

_ After _

Steve’s throat feels dry as he stands outside of a hospital room, skin paling. Peggy is in the room and he has no idea what he’s going to say when he sees her.

She’s older and has lived decades and decades without him. He knows that she will not be the same person he remembers when he sees her. It terrifies him.

He takes a deep breath and opens the door. He looks at the woman lying in the hospital bed and swallows his breath. “ _Peggy_.”

Peggy’s hair is grey now and her beautiful features have wrinkles, but he still recognizes her from the forties. The ends of his lips curl into a smile as his eyes widen.

“ _Steve_ ,” she calls out to him, her voice distorted from old age. “I can’t believe it.”

“Neither can I,” Steve says, pulling a chair up to sit by her.

“When Sharon told me that you survived, I did not believe her at first,” Peggy says, “I could have sworn the Alzheimer’s was playing a trick on me.”

Steve smiles. “I thought Nick Fury was playing a trick on me when I woke up.”

“Nick Fury, that man. I cannot believe he kept your return a secret from me for over a year and a half. Didn’t even tell me when you were in your coma,” Peggy lets out a chuckle. “But he is a good man, Steve. SHIELD is in good hands with him.”

“You’ve built quite the legacy through SHIELD,” Steve notes, “I’ve read as much as I could find and it’s impressive.”

Peggy looks pleased. “Thank you. It’s the best I could do to help keep this country safe.” She raises a brow. “But it seems that you have a chance to keep on doing it.”

Steve furrows a brow.

“Fury and Sharon have both explained the Avengers Initiative to me,” Peggy says, “They told me what SHIELD wants to do with you.”

“What do you think of it?” Steve asks. Her opinion does matter to him and he’s curious. After everything she’s experienced since the war, he knows she has wise insight.

“You have the chance to be a hero again,” Peggy responds, “I think that’s amazing. The world still has as many vulnerabilities as it did during the forties.”

Steve swallows his breath. “I don’t know if I can be the hero they want me to be. I lost seven months' worth of memories in the present. That’s already a setback. I’m going to do it, nonetheless, but it just doesn’t sit well with me.”

“Understandable,” Peggy says, “but you can overcome it. You just have to be the best that you are. Fury believes in you. SHIELD believes in you. Have faith in yourself.”

Steve nods. “It means more coming from you. I haven’t talked to too many people around SHIELD, but the ones that I have all praise me for all that I’ve done. I appreciate that, but it just feels weird because they don’t know me personally. They weren’t there in the forties. It especially feels weird when people gawk at me around the Triskelion.”

Peggy looks amused. “Try to get to know the good people around the Triskelion. They clean up the messes that my people and I left behind.”

“I wouldn’t associate any mess with you.”

“You’re too kind.”

“ _Really_ , though. You should be proud of yourself, Peggy,” Steve says, motioning to the framed family photos on the table beside her. 

“ _Mm_ ,” Peggy hums, “I have lived a life. My only regret is that you didn’t get to live yours.”

Steve sighs. “I guess I can go back to living my life by leading the Avengers. Going back and following orders. It’ll be the same as the past, but also not the same.”

“I’m sorry,” Peggy says. “I can’t imagine how hard it is. Waking up in a new century, decades and decades behind everyone else. I know it’s difficult.” She reaches out to touch his wrist.

Steve swallows his breath and takes her hand in his. “I’m no stranger to everyone, but they’re all strangers to me. The people I knew are barely here and everything seems distant. That’s what makes me doubt my ability to lead again.” He shakes his head. “This isn’t my time.”

Peggy nods sympathetically. “But you have to accept it. This is your reality.”

“It’s clouded,” Steve says, “I don’t know how it can clear up.”

“The world has changed, and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best, and sometimes the best we can do is to start over,” Peggy murmurs. 

It’s so easy to talk to her and it feels like old times again. Peggy has always known what to say and it makes his heart ache for the simpler times. The war part wasn’t simple, but at least, back then, he wasn’t confused. He knew where he was during that time.

Steve pauses. “I’m not sure if that’s easy enough. I was thrust into a new time and I was attacked. Look where it got me.”

“It’s given you an opportunity to really start fresh,” Peggy says, “You need to _heal_. You need to allow yourself to do so. It’s the best thing you can do to move on.”

“I want to. _God_ , I want to, Peggy,” Steve says, “and I really do think I can. It’s traumatic and scary, but I… I’ve talked this out enough with Sharon and a couple of other people and I know I can eventually do it when the time comes. It’s just… I think there’s one thing that could really help, but Fury won’t let it happen.”

Peggy frowns. “What do you mean?”

“My assailant,” Steve answers, “They still have her in custody because they want to get as much intelligence as they can out of her. Apparently, there’s a lot more from where she came from. They won’t tell me anything about her, though. They made sure any information about her is above my clearance level. They won’t let me see or talk to her either.”

He shakes his head. “And I don’t understand why. Fury gave excuses earlier saying it would distract me, but I think that not seeing her is more distracting. My assailant knows best of my legacy after I went into the ice and I want to talk to her so that I can understand what kind of hero I have to be.”

He rubs at his temple. “I don’t know if that made any sense.”

“It did make sense,” Peggy insists. “I understand what you mean.”

“It’s frustrating,” Steve says.

“I can tell,” Peggy says, “but I know you. You’ll find a way to figure it out. You’ll know soon enough.”

“I hope so,” Steve responds, “because there’s just something so strange about the situation.”

He pauses and adds, “It’s just a lot on my mind. I asked and apparently, Bucky’s body was never recovered. There are just a lot of things at once that are crowding my head.” He sighs. “I miss him.”

“I miss him, too,” Peggy says. “I know it hurts.”

Steve inhales.

Peggy takes a deep breath. “We both lost Bucky and I thought I lost you too for decades. But you’re back and I’m still here. We may not have Bucky anymore, but we still have each other. And I think that the best thing we can do for Bucky is to continue living our lives, honoring him as we do it.”

Steve nods, rubbing his lips together.

“You’re going to be fine, Steve. You’re going to do great things with the Avengers and SHIELD and I know that if Bucky were here, he would be so proud of you,” Peggy says, proudly.

“Thank you, Peggy,” Steve says, genuinely. He really means it.

Peggy smiles and nods, encouragingly. 

* * *

_ Before _

If there’s one thing that Steve is particularly grateful for right now, it’s that the myth of Russia always being cold is false. The weather is pretty bearable, which makes it easier for him to concentrate on the mission.

“Very simple,” Yelena says over the communication system, “Are you up for it, Captain?”

“I don’t think I have any other choice,” Steve mutters.

He’s met with a cackle on the other end of the line.

“Belova, I would have loved to see him under your command,” Shostakov snickers.

Standing beside him, Natasha rolls her eyes. “ _Focus_ , Shostakov.”

This time, the mission is to raid a militia base and gather everything they can find. Intel confirms that it’s definitely an older base, but it couldn’t confirm whether it was completely empty or not.

Natasha turns to Steve. “Remember, there may not be any people here, but there are definitely chances of traps laid around. You must be careful.”

“I know,” Steve says, assuringly, “I’ve dealt with them before.”

“Good,” Natasha says. The gauntlets around her wrist light up in blue and two pistols are in her hands. “You know, you surprised me last time, Captain.”

Steve looks over at her. “ _Really?_ How so?” A compliment is the last thing he expects coming out of her mouth.

“You fought with purpose,” Natasha responds, “You didn’t look like you were being forced to move.”

“I believed in the purpose. Simple as that,” Steve says. It’s not though. It’s never quite simple.

The look on Natasha’s face tells him that she’s also aware that it’s not simple.

“ _Well_ ,” she drawls, “I suppose it’s relieving that you have something personal against militias affiliated with terrorist organizations, then.”

Things go as planned. At first.

The main purpose of the mission is to collect whatever data is possible. The people that Natasha is affiliated with want everything they can get their hands on. They want to be able to wipe out any more militias.

Of course, there are a few able bodies lounging around the base and Steve wastes no time throwing his shield and taking down man after man.

Over the comm system, he hears Natasha, Yelena and Shostakov barking orders and updates at each other. He’s half tempted to yank it out of his ear and step on it, but he knows that would only lead to shitty consequences. 

He finds him alone in an office space after taking down two thugs. He has a flash drive in his hand and directions from Shostakov as to what he’s supposed to do. Collect as much intel as he can. They’re not expecting much so it shouldn’t take long.

Temptation crosses his mind. He’s alone and the terrain around the base is not as awful as it could be. He knows that he has an opportunity to escape. If he runs fast enough, he could get the hell away and try to figure out how to get out of the country. He could try to find his way to the United States.

With his shield in one hand and the flash drive in another, he stands in the room, contemplating his options. He knows for sure that he wants to go home. He doesn’t belong here. He shouldn’t be here. At the same time, Steve knows this is impulsive and not well thought out.

But Steve is a risk taker and he leaves the room, dropping the flash drive onto the floor and yanking his comm device out of his ear. He wanders down a hallway when he arrives to a room with ceiling to floor windows. He’s about to bust the window open when something plastered on the wall catches his eye. There are blown up photographs covering part of the wall. They’re blurry, but he sees that they are of a man with dark hair.

Steve takes a step closer to the photographs and frowns. There’s something so familiar and he’s not sure what to think. He looks at the features of the man, studying the details of his face.

The blue eyes are haunting, but Steve knows them. The dark hair is long, but Steve recognizes it. The look on the man’s face is dark, but Steve knows who it is.

He stiffens. “ _Bucky?_ ”

He looks older and the light that always shone in his eyes is no longer there, at least in the photograph. Steve reaches out to touch it and his fingers trace over Bucky’s jawline and then his eyes.

He doesn’t know how to comprehend the sight in front of him. He knows that Bucky is dead. He has to be dead. He couldn’t have survived the fall.

But the man in the photograph is Bucky and he looks older than the Bucky he remembers. He’s confused and his mind is a mess of thoughts.

He barely registers the sound of a gun cocking at the doorway. Steve turns and sees at least a dozen men armed, their weapons pointing in his direction.

Steve takes his eyes off them for one second to look back at the photographs of Bucky, but that seems to be enough for all the men to come charging at him. He fights as he usually does, but he’s distracted. They’re landing blows on him and it’s not until he hears the sound Shostakov slamming the last man onto the concrete floor when he realizes how unfocused he is. There is blood running down various points of his body and he’s bruising all around. He suspects a few bones might be broken.

“All clear,” Shostakov says over the comm system. “I found him.” The look that he gives him sends a chill down Steve’s spine.

But it doesn’t scare him as much as the glare on Natasha’s face an hour later.

Natasha narrows her eyes at him, standing at the edge of his hospital bed in the medical ward. “You had strict orders, Captain. Explain to me what the _hell_ you were doing back there. Were you trying to escape? Because if so, don’t count on that happening for a long time based on how absolutely _pathetic_ that display was," she hisses at him.

“We may have no interest in killing you, but that type of behavior makes it tempting,” Yelena drawls, warningly.

“I was distracted.”

Yelena snorts in amusement. “ _Clearly_.” If this were literally any other situation, Steve might joke that Yelena and Natasha are one and the same.

“They had pictures of Bucky in there,” Steve says, his breathing becoming heavier. “It distracted me.”

Natasha frowns and pauses. “What?”

“They had pictures of a man hung up,” Steve explains. “And I recognized him. It was Bucky. Bucky Barnes, my friend.”

Shostakov makes a noise of discomfort from the back.

Yelena looks surprised.

Natasha raises a brow. “We raided an old militia base. Didn’t you say your friend was captured by HYDRA before you saved him? Perhaps this is an old base of theirs.” She sounds defensive for some reason.

“He _was_ ,” Steve replies, “but he looked different.”

“Dark hair. Blue eyes. I remember his face. Those features were the same. I know it was him,” Steve continues, “But his hair looked longer and he looked like he was wearing a metal sleeve. I don’t know. The pictures were blurry. It distracted me, but it was Bucky.”

Natasha tenses. Shostakov shudders.

“I saw. Зимний Солдат,” Shostakov mutters to Natasha. He stares at her, as if waiting for her reaction through her facial features.

Steve has never seen Natasha freeze so fast. Her face pales and her mouth is slightly agape. She grips onto Shostakov’s wrist and tugs him towards the door. She barks at Yelena to follow her. They disappear out of the room instantaneously and Steve is left alone.

* * *

_ Now _

“Dozens and dozens of these letters,” Clint says, slipping on rubber gloves. “She wrote all of these?”

Sharon nods. “Mhmm.”

Clint looks surprised. He turns on the faucet of the kitchen sink and begins to wash the dishes. “How? She was under tight security. She was barely allowed anything.”

“She’s the one who interrogated her, Lara Croft,” Tony retorts, “What do you think?” He pours himself a glass of wine even though it’s barely noon.

Clint rolls his eyes.

Sharon speaks up, “I interrogated her and there was something about her that sparked my curiosity. I convinced Fury to let me do the one-on-one interviews with her every other week. I wanted to know what it was about her that made her so… _interesting_.”

“How’d you get to the letter writing part?” Sam raises a brow.

“It’s complicated,” Sharon responds. It’s hard for her to reflect on these old memories because of the guilt that comes with it. “For the first month, I was pretty mute about everything that happened with him, but then… I told her that things were happening. That things were difficult with him. I never told her that he was in a coma, but I did tell her he didn’t remember her.”

She takes a deep breath. “I know it was against protocol. I know that I wasn’t supposed to do that. But I needed her to talk. I wanted her to talk. That was the only way I could get that to happen.”

Clint looks taken aback.

“She begged me to let her write letters to him,” Sharon continues, “I think that, at that point, she realized I was one of the friendlier ones. I was more empathetic. So, I let her. I limited how much she could write because I didn’t know what I was going to do with the letters when he woke up. She seemed to be okay with that because it was just too painful.”

“You did that during the interviews?” Tony frowns.

“I thought the interviews weren’t confidential,” Sam says, handing a glass to Tony. “Aren’t they filmed?”

Sharon responds, "Sometimes, but I was able to talk Fury out of that. He did it because I’m one of his most trusted agents and he trusted me.”

“I’m sure he’s regretting that decision now,” Clint mutters.

Sharon glares at him. “There’s a lot more that he should be regretting.”

Sam cocks his head and reverts the conversation back to the original topic of conversation. “You let her write letters? You _believed_ her to do that.”

“You weren’t there,” Sharon responds, “You don’t understand. I have never had an interrogation like that before. I’ve never had interviews like that. She drew you in and she had a hell of a story.”

“Well, she’s the Black Widow for a _reason_ , Sharon,” Tony says. “It’s in her skillset to toy with people.”

Sharon shakes her head. “ _No_. You’re reading the notes right now. You’re reading her vulnerable thoughts. She loved him. He loved her. We screwed that up.”

“What do you want, Sharon? What do you want SHIELD to do? What do you want Fury to do? There’s nothing that can be done,” Clint says.

“I want you to understand. I want everybody to understand,” Sharon responds, “If SHIELD is really going to make up a whole story to portray her as the bad guy, then I want there to be another side. The truth.”

She takes a deep breath. “While he was in a coma, I had my doubts. I wasn’t sure whether or not to believe her. She was really compelling me to, but I still wasn’t sure. After he woke up, I showed him letters over time and I asked him to figure out the truth for me, because I didn’t know for sure. I couldn’t believe her stories about Russia.”

“And what did he do?” Sam asks, taking a sip of his wine.

“He remembered,” Sharon replies, “It was late, but he remembered. Then, I knew, but by then, it was doomed. SHIELD already had its plan in place.”

Tony takes a deep breath. “You were out of line. A lot. You need to accept blame for that.”

Sharon looks at him. “Trust me. I already do. I felt the worst when I told him the truth about his arrival to SHIELD.”

Clint shakes his head in disbelief, scraping egg bits off of a butter knife. “I’m honestly surprised Fury didn’t try to kill you.”

“It would be a ballsy move,” Sharon says, “because he’s at blame. He’ll never truly admit it though.”

“So, how are you going to get him to understand then?” Sam asks.

“I don’t know yet,” Sharon admits. “I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to move forward from here.”

She looks at the three men. “But if you three believe me, I’ll know I’m getting somewhere.”

* * *

_ After _

“Things are getting better, don’t you think?” Sharon asks, looking up from her omelet.

“Depends on your definition of better,” Steve responds, flipping through Clint Barton’s file.

“I think Fury’s warming up to you,” Sharon says, “and that’s a good sign.”

Steve huffs. “That man infuriates me.” He closes Clint’s file and sets it on the table. He grabs his mug of hot chocolate and takes a sip.

“Likewise,” Sharon responds, “but he’s a good boss. We’ll have to respect that.”

“I’m trying,” Steve says with a sigh. “I just find it difficult.”

“I know,” Sharon says, a sympathetic expression appearing on her face. She hesitates. “How was it to see Peggy again?”

Steve smiles a small smile. “It was great. It… it definitely helped to see a familiar face.”

“I’m glad,” Sharon says, “I talked to her after you did and she said that she’s very confident in you. Very optimistic about the Avengers Initiative.”

“She did talk some sense into me,” Steve responds, “She still has great advice.”

“That’s Aunt Peggy for ya,” Sharon says with a chuckle. She swallows a bite of her omelet. “So, what do you think of the Avengers Initiative now? I’ve heard you’ve been kind of wary about it. Rightfully so.”

Steve shrugs. “It’s nothing too different than what I did back in the forties. It’s just the circumstances.”

Sharon nods in understanding. “I get that.” She points to the files laying on the table. “But reading through these gives you some comfort, right? Knowing what you’re getting yourself into?”

Steve’s not too sure about that. “I don’t know. I’m getting to know these people based on facts about them. They seem great on paper, but that doesn’t tell the whole story.”

“SHIELD only has the best of the best,” Sharon reminds him.

“I believe that,” Steve responds, “but Fury’s file is a whopping page long. Maria Hill and Phil Coulson’s both have mundane information. It’s all very vague.”

“Unfortunately, that’s the way SHIELD operates. You get used to it,” Sharon says.

Steve huffs. “I’m not a fan of it.” He cocks his head. “You know that Fury still refuses to let me face my assailant?”

Sharon doesn’t look surprised, but she still asks, “Really?”

Steve shakes his head. “He’s adamant against it. It’s frustrating.”

Sharon takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I know that… I know it’s hard. I wish I could do something about it, but what Fury says usually stands.”

“Can we talk about Natasha?” Steve asks.

Sharon swallows the last bite of her omelet. “I actually have another note for you.” 

Steve doesn’t even bother to hide the joy he’s feeling in his eyes. She opens a manila folder by her side and hands him a scrapped piece of loose leaf paper.

Steve looks down at it.

_ Dear Steve _

_ I want to find you. I want you to find me. I don’t care which one happens first. I’m okay. I’m still here. I wish I knew what was happening to you? Don’t you remember me? Don’t you wonder about me? _

“Why don’t you just bring all of them to me? You said there are more,” Steve says, setting the letter back down. “Why can’t you just let me see all of them at once rather than randomly spacing them out?”

Sharon takes the paper back and puts it back inside the manila folder. “These aren’t supposed to exist, Steve.”

“Then, how come they do? And how come you’re the only person who knows about it?” Steve asks.

Sharon sighs. “Steve, _please_. Just let this happen without question.”

Steve inhales. “I don’t know how I can do that if I don’t know everything. Everything is so vague and I’m not allowed to know enough about anything.” He gestures towards her. “And I know you’ve been the best help and the closest person I have here, but… I just wish that someone would just tell me everything I want to know.”

He groans. “I haven’t talked to that many people around here, but all the people that I have talked to are all… there’s something about the way that people speak to me that just feels weird. These people all have known me for seven months before the coma, yet it doesn’t feel right. I don’t know what it is. I don’t have that muscle memory here like I supposed I would have. It just feels strange that all these people know me but they have nothing to show for it.”

Sharon purses her lips tightly, unsure of what to say.

“I think I’ve had it,” Steve continues, “Fury is standing in the way of the answers I need. I’m never gonna feel comfortable enough here if I have nothing to hold onto.” He tilts his head. “You said we watched movies together. What was the first one we saw?”

He almost misses it, but he sees the panic in her eyes.

She rattles off a response. “Toy Story. From Pixar.”

“What was the first modern food I ate when I woke up the first time?”

“French fries,” Sharon responds quickly. A little too quickly for his liking.

Steve frowns. “French fries were a thing back in the forties.”

Sharon remains impassive. “They were loaded fries. Smothered in cheese and bacon.”

Steve winces. His stomach churns just at the thought of consuming that.

“It doesn’t feel right,” Steve notes.

Sharon frowns. “I don’t get what you mean.”

Steve responds, “If you knew me for those seven months and if you were my guide through it all, our connection would feel more personal, even though I can’t remember. But it doesn’t. The way you act towards me doesn’t feel that personal. It feels forced. It feels that way with everyone I’ve spoken to.”

Sharon says nothing. She focuses her gaze on him as if studying his features.

“It’s hard to think of how you and I were during those seven months because it just doesn’t feel like it happened,” Steve adds, “None of this feels real enough to me. Do you get what I mean?”

Sharon isn’t sure what to say. She’s a damn talented espionage agent and tactician, but she’s never dealt with a challenge like this before.

“But then there’s also Natasha,” Steve says, “She claims to know me. She claims that we were something, everything, to each other. Her notes don’t show her trying to prove it. It’s different from what people here have been doing it. That’s one of the reasons why I want to know more about her. Maybe she can tell me more.”

“I can’t let you do that, Steve. I can’t stray away from my orders,” Sharon says, softly.

“And I suppose it’s the same for my attacker, _huh?_ ” Steve huffs. “I just don’t get that either. I have to find a way to connect to those seven months that I lost. Why won’t you let me do that? Why doesn’t anyone understand that I need to connect?”

Sharon takes a deep breath. “I don’t want you to be angry, Steve. I don’t want you to be hurt. You need to understand that there are reasons.”

Steve shakes his head. “I can’t do this if I don’t know. Maybe you don’t know the whole truth. That’s what you said about Natasha. Maybe you’re being honest about that. But you told me you wanted me to figure my truth out and I can’t do that if you don’t let me.”

Sharon just stares at him in silence. They stay that way for a minute.

She licks her lips and sighs. “You’re right. I can’t hide the truth any longer because… I can’t support this narrative of SHIELD.”

Steve purses his lips, waiting for her to elaborate.

“The reason that everything has been so vague… the reason that Fury has ordered all of us to remain silent… the reason why no one will tell you about the seven months you spent with SHIELD before the attack… well, the reason is because you were never with us for those seven months,” Sharon confesses, shakingly, “You were _not_ recovered by the Americans and SHIELD on April 23, 2011. You were _not_ attacked on Triskelion grounds on November 29, 2011. When you woke up in SHIELD’s medical center on December 2, 2012, that was the first time you were ever truly here.”

Steve isn’t sure how to respond. He had definitely been expecting something surprising, but he hadn’t thought it would be anything like that. “ _What?_ ”

Sharon shudders, biting her lip. “We weren’t the ones to find you in the ice. Someone else did first.”

“Then who did?” His chest tightens.

Sharon looks pained and deep down, Steve understands. He knows he shouldn’t be pushing for answers because it’s clearly hard for Sharon to break the rules. 

She licks her lips and whispers, “The Russians.”

“The Soviets?” Steve squints in confusion.

“Well, they were the Soviets in the past,” Sharon says, “but yes.” She swallows her breath and leans forward. “I know you have a lot of questions. I have some of the answers, but I can’t account for what happened during your seven months in Russia.”

“Why is SHIELD trying to lie to me? To the world?” Steve asks, an incredulous expression on his face. She’s right and he has dozens and dozens of questions flooding his head. He doesn’t even know what he wants answers to first.

Sharon takes a deep breath. “I don’t know. I truly don’t know. I wish I could find the answer for you, but I can’t do that.”

“You know nothing about my time in Russia?” Steve asks. “Absolutely nothing?”

Sharon looks away, her gaze focused on the wall. “I can’t.”

Steve looks at her in disbelief. “I trust you. Why can’t you trust me?”

“It’s not like that,” Sharon says, shaking her head.

“What is it then?”

“This is difficult, Steve,” Sharon sighs, “I’m not saying I have it worse than you, because that’s clearly not the case, but it’s still hard. I grew up hearing about how wonderful SHIELD was. I grew up listening to stories about the amazing things SHIELD has done. This is my Aunt Peggy’s legacy and I’ve cherished it my whole life.”

She inhales. “It’s not easy for me to suddenly become disillusioned with SHIELD, its people, its purpose… I want to help you. I want to figure out what’s real and what’s not real, but you need to understand that I have trusted SHIELD my whole life. It’s almost out of grasp for me to turn against it.”

“You said you didn’t agree with what they’re doing lately,” Steve remarks.

“I don’t,” Sharon says, facing him again, “That’s still true, but I’m still loyal to Aunt Peggy’s legacy. I’ll help you the best way I can and the best way that I’m willing, but you have to understand that you’re going to have to do most of this on your own.”

Steve blinks. “I don’t know this place. How can I be expected to do so?” He pauses. “ _Wait_. So, if this whole ‘getting attacked on the Triskelion' thing never happened… then who’s the prisoner? Is there even a prisoner?”

Sharon rubs her lips. “There is.”

Steve frowns. “Who is she? Why is she there?”

Sharon responds, “I don’t want to say, because I don’t know for sure. There isn’t a lot that I’m certain about.” 

“Sharon.” Steve looks at her, impatience flaring within him.

“She was a big part of your seven months with the Russians,” Sharon says, “Whether real or not.”

Steve takes a deep breath. “What are you trying to say, Sharon?”

“Natasha is the prisoner,” Sharon responds. She swallows her breath. “You can connect the dots from here because I can’t do it for you.”

* * *

_ Before _

“We have a situation,” Coulson pokes his head in the doorway of Fury’s office.

Fury and Maria look up from debriefing packets. 

“What is it, Agent?” Fury asks, looking intimidating as always in his eyepatch.

“You won’t believe me and I’ll totally understand that you don’t believe me, but it’s _absolutely_ insane. I can hardly believe it myself but it’s _real_ and—“

“Get to it, Coulson,” Maria interrupts him.

Coulson’s shaking as he responds. “Captain America is _alive_. He hasn’t aged since going into the ice in the forties. He’s well.”

Maria’s eyes widen.

Fury tenses. “Excuse me?”

“We’ve gathered intel,” Coulson responds, “Agent Morse and Agent Woo were in Belarus and they caught word that the Russians discovered Captain America in the Arctic. They currently have him.”

“And has this been confirmed? That’s a very big revelation,” Maria says, crossing her arms.

“Morse and Woo have provided intel to confirm the news,” Coulson responds, “He’s out there. Captain America is out there. Alive and _well_.”

“With the _Russians_ ,” Fury drawls, crossing his arms. “I’m guessing that if we contact the Russian embassy, they won’t say a word about it.”

Coulson shrugs. “Well, that’s how it usually goes when it comes to the Russians, sir.”

Fury leans on the edge of his desk, looking down at his feet, as if in deep thought.

Maria steps toward Coulson. “Do we know what he’s doing with the Russians?”

Coulson nods. “He’s been out of the ice six months and it seems that he’s been going on missions on behalf of the Russians. Nothing too big. Seems to be doing their dirty work.”

“Do we know where in Russia? It’s been a huge country, Coulson.” Maria raises a brow.

Coulson replies, “Not in the big cities. Somewhere more remote, which isn’t surprising.”

Fury cocks his head. “How in depth is the intel that Morse and Woo collected?”

Coulson sets his briefcase onto Fury’s desk and pulls out a manila folder. “This is everything that they’ve figured out.” He hands the folder to Fury.

Fury opens it and skims through the few pages inside.

“Is Captain America being held there against his will? Surely, he didn’t wake up in Russia and decide that Moscow is the new Brooklyn.” Maria takes a peek at the folder over Fury’s shoulder. “I mean, considering the fact that he’s working for them.”

Fury shuts the folder and sets it on his desk. “Peggy Carter has talked a lot about Steve Rogers and his legacy. I find it hard to believe he’s serving on behalf of another country willingly.”

Coulson furrows a brow. “You think they’re using him as a puppet?”

“History has shown us that captivity of that sort is entirely plausible,” Fury responds. “I find it likely.”

“So, what do we do?” Maria asks. “Do we try to be diplomatic and negotiate with the Russians?”

Fury walks to the ceiling-to-floor windows in his office and looks out at the Potomac River. He rubs at his chin.

Maria and Coulson exchange glances.

“ _No_ ,” Fury responds, “They’ll shut us out and if we try to go all in about it, it’s just going to be a disaster.”

“What do you propose, then?” Coulson asks.

Fury is silent for a moment, before responding with a question of his own. “How many people know that Captain America is alive?”

“Mockingbird. Woo. The three of us. The Russians who have him,” Coulson responds. “I’m not quite sure what that number adds up to.”

“ _Hm_.” Fury turns around. “We’re going to send Agent Morse and Agent Woo to Russia, along with you, Agent Coulson, and an assembled team.”

Maria frowns. “ _What?_ ”

“We’re going to track down Captain America and bring him back to the United States,” Fury responds.

“And what happens after that?” Coulson asks.

“It depends on what state of mind he’s in,” Fury answers, “The long term goal is to get him to fight on behalf of what SHIELD needs. We just have to ensure there is no Russian influence over him.”

“And if there is?” Maria raises a brow.

“There won’t be.” Fury crosses his arms. “In fact, SHIELD will ensure there isn’t a trace of Russian history in association with him.”

Coulson squints. “How would we do that?”

Fury responds, “We paint a new picture. We write a new narrative. Once we have Captain Rogers back with us and the Russians dealt with, we have all the control to write the story how we want to.”

“And what do you plan on having this story tell?” Maria doesn’t look quite convinced with his plan yet.

“SHIELD found Captain Rogers in the ice six months ago and has kept his discovery a secret for months to ensure that he can adjust to living in a new age, along with his psychological trauma in private,” Fury answers, “We’ll reveal his recovery to the public when he’s truly ready to take on the mantle for SHIELD.”

Coulson tilts his head. “Do you really think that everyone else who works for SHIELD will believe that?”

Fury doesn’t even bat an eyelash. “The news was above their clearance level. It was kept top secret.”

“What will the government think? What will the President think?” Maria questions him.

Fury scoffs. “As far as I’m concerned, the President answers to me. Not the other way around. The government won’t be a problem as long as I’m here to talk to the President. The rest of SHIELD won’t be a problem. They’ll either believe it’s above their clearance level or they’ll remain loyal to SHIELD and not question it.”

“You really believe that, Nick?” Maria raises a brow.

“I’m the Director of SHIELD,” Fury responds, “I know what I can do.”

Coulson looks unsure. “I don’t know, Nick. If we get caught in a lie… that can prove to be detrimental.”

Fury shakes his head. “I’m confident in what our agents can do. I’m confident in my relationship with the President. It shouldn’t be a problem.”

He adds, “Even though we are long past the Cold War, I doubt the American people will immediately embrace Captain America if they knew that he had spent the past six months in Russia working for them. I’m sure they’ll warm up to him soon enough, but I want to skip over that obstacle. We’re going to take Captain Rogers back to where he belongs,” Fury responds, “and we’re going to rewrite the narrative.”

“Are you certain about this, Nick? 100% certain?” Maria asks. “It’s risky.”

Fury nods. “Everything SHIELD does is a risk. This is business as usual.”

* * *

_ After _

Steve doesn’t know how he’s twelve pages deep in a website about Russian cuisine, but he’s hoping that looking at familiar images will help him remember things of his time in Russia.

It’s not like he has many resources at his disposal and it seems that Sharon is opting to avoid him, since he hasn’t seen or heard from her during the past two days.

When he isn’t discussing the Avengers Initiative with Fury or discussing his health with Doctor Cho, he’s trying to find a way to find his memories during his first seven months in the twenty-first century. He’s tried to remain impassive when he’s around Fury to ensure that the man doesn’t know that Steve knows the truth.

Steve wants to keep it to himself as long as he can so that he can gather as much information he can without having Fury on his tail.

So far, he’s found absolutely nothing. Fury’s done a damn good job to ensure that he’ll find nothing about Natasha. According to SHIELD records, there isn’t even a Natasha anywhere in the building. If Sharon was around, he’d probably ask her what her last name is, but he also knows that this is causing internal conflict for her. For that reason, a part of him is thankful that she’s avoiding him.

As angry and confused as he rightfully is, he still feels bad that the woman who’s been nothing but kind to him is struggling because of him. Even though it’s not really his fault.

Steve is stumped and he doesn’t know what he can realistically do to fix the problem. He’d love to just visit the prisoner’s wing in the Triskelion, but the last thing he needs is for Fury to scream at him.

He isn’t sure what he’s going to do or how he’s going to do it, but he wants to figure out fast.

It’s unsettling. It’s confusing.

Steve’s been trying to piece together what he knows, mapping it out so that it’s easier for him to understand.

He knows that he was recovered from the ice almost seventy years after crashing the Valkyrie by the Russians. He knows that he spent seven months in Russia. He knows that he spent a year in a coma and that when he woke up, he was in the United States. He knows that there was a woman named Natasha in his life, presumably when he was in Russia, and that she was important. He knows that she’s currently being held in the Triskelion’s prison.

Although that’s definitely a lot of information, that’s all he knows and that does nothing for him. There are still too many questions that haven’t been answered and Steve is convinced that if he doesn’t seek the answers out himself, they will never come to him.

That’s why, when Agent Barton comes over in the afternoon, Steve dictates the topic of conversation.

“If we’re going to be partners in this initiative, I want to get to know you better,” Steve says.

“Understandable,” Clint says, “I imagine talking to Sharon can get tiring. She can be a pain in the ass sometimes.”

Steve shrugs. “She’s nice.”

“True. She’s just annoying when she’s pissed. Her temper is unbelievable sometimes.”

“I actually had a quick question, if you don’t mind answering one for me,” Steve says.

Clint raises a brow. “Shoot.”

Steve takes a deep breath and then asks, “You were there when I was attacked in the base. Can you tell me about the woman who attacked me?”

Clint’s face pales. “Hold it right there, Cap. I can’t talk about her to you. Director’s orders.”

Steve huffs. “Seriously?”

“If you couldn’t get answers out of Sharon, you definitely won’t get any out of me,” Clint responds.

Steve groans. “I probably should have expected that.”

Clint nods. “I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you more, but suffering from Fury’s wrath is something I’ve experienced before and I really don’t want to experience it again.”

Steve does understand though. He can tell the man has a temper that’s hellish if unleashed.

“I just don’t understand,” Steve says, “I’m expected to lead a team assembled by SHIELD while also working as an agent for SHIELD. They gave me clearance and an issued device and all of that. Just like everyone else. And I assume, based on what I’ve picked up on, that people move up in position and power and clearance level as time goes on. Presumably, I’ll be moving up the ladder. Yet, Fury makes it seem that what happened during those seven months is to be ignored completely forever.”

He cocks his head. “And I just don’t get it. He acts like I’ll never be allowed to know, no matter what, no matter when.”

Clint has a blank expression on his face. He scratches the back of his neck. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Cap.”

Steve shrugs. He honestly doesn’t know either. “I… I guess I just want to hear from you… is there anything… just one thing, even something small and unimportant, that you can tell me about my seven months here?”

Clint purses his lips and his gaze wanders past Steve. He doesn’t say anything, but Steve knows he’s doing his best to either come up with an excuse or an answer. 

Finally, he answers, “You were a passionate person. I mean, I could tell you were passionate in the forties and I’m sure you still are now, but during those seven months, you had passion like no other. I’m not sure if that will ever be replicated, because it’s different now.”

Steve doesn’t know what else to say other than, “Thank you.” He knows there’s an underlying message in what Clint said but he’s not ready to press for more and he knows Clint isn’t either.

Soon, Clint is off to brief with an Agent Morse or something like that. Steve’s doing more research into the Russian government when Sharon arrives at his room.

“Please don’t ask me anything,” Sharon says immediately. “I’m sorry I have to start off with that, but the only reason I’m here is to give you this.”

Steve immediately reaches for the folder in her hand. He opens it and expects to see something in relation to Natasha, but he’s taken aback when he sees a picture of Bucky. “What is this?”

“I talked to Fury and the President,” Sharon responds, “It’s been almost sixty-six years since Bucky Barnes fell out of that train and died. There have obviously been memorials erected for World War II veterans, but I thought that Bucky deserved something special.”

She flips to the next page in the folder. “They’re going to build a monument dedicated to him. His body was never recovered but they’re going to do it anyway. They’re building it in Arlington and Fury said by the time the monument is complete, you’ll be free to visit it whenever. By then, your recovery will be public.”

In that moment, Steve finds himself really missing Bucky, his greatest friend. He’s thankful that he still has Peggy today, but that still doesn’t fill the hole in his heart knowing that Bucky is dead and that he will never see him again.

“Thank you, Sharon,” Steve murmurs, genuinely. He hugs the file to his chest. He knows that this is her way of apologizing to him for lying and keeping information from him.

Sharon smiles at him and nods. “Of course.” He knows she forgives him for making her disillusioned with her family’s legacy, the way he forgives her.

He just hopes it’s enough to get him through what he needs to do.

* * *

_ Before _

“Natalia,” Yelena barks at the redhead, “Save some of the vodka for us.”

Natasha narrows her eyes at the blonde and continues to chug the drink out of spite.

Yelena turns to Shostakov. “She’s being ridiculous.”

Shostakov holds his hands up, defensively. “Sounds more like a ‘you’ problem, Belova.”

Yelena spats, “Мудак.” She turns to Natasha. “So, your old boy toy is our prisoner’s old comrade. What the hell do you think of that, Natalia?”

“It’s _obviously_ a problem, Yelena,” Natasha says through gritted teeth. “I thought you were above asking stupid questions.”

“My apologies,” Yelena says, mockingly. “Still, you can’t blame me for asking. It’s been a long time since we last saw the Winter Soldier.

Shostakov snorts in amusement. “Well, that’s what happens when you’re not in your own state of mind. I wonder how HYDRA is doing with him.”

Natasha grumbles. “He’s going to have so many questions.” She takes another swig of the vodka.

After the mission ended, Natasha had Steve taken back to his quarters by Petrovich and she hasn’t seen him since then. It’s long past midnight and she’s becoming increasingly annoyed at the new conflict she has to deal with.

“Tell him it’s an old HYDRA base,” Yelena suggests, “It’s a lie, but it’s a good one. He’ll believe it.”

“It doesn’t matter if he believes it’s a HYDRA base or not,” Natasha says, shaking her head, “Bucky Barnes means a lot to him and it’s the only thing that’s going to be on his mind now.”

“And how is that a problem? You use that against him, use that as leverage,” Shostakov says.

Natasha glares at him. “I know that, but we’ve been partnering with the Winter Soldier for decades. What are we going to do if one day, Rogers runs into his old friend and fucks with his mindset? We cannot let him get distracted.”

Shostakov raises a brow. “I don’t understand why you find this so troubling. By the time the Winter Soldier comes back to Russia, the Captain should be under our influence enough that it doesn’t even bother him.”

Natasha shakes her head. “I don’t know if I can trust that. He’s very emotional and passionate.”

“Well, then what do you suggest we do?” Yelena asks. “We don’t need the superiors to ask questions if we separate them.”

“I don’t know. That’s another problem. I don’t _fucking_ know,” Natasha growls.

Shostakov waves his hand dismissively. “I don’t know why you’re even bothering to worry about the Captain’s delicate feelings. Nothing is guaranteed. You can strategize when the time comes, but I see no reason to think about the Winter Soldier.”

“He’s already distracted,” Natasha states as a fact, “We saw to that. It can only get worse from here and the last thing I need is for our superiors to dig their nose into this.” She hates dealing with them and minimizing any interaction with them is a success story in her book.

“Handling him is your responsibility,” Yelena says, “and I recommend you toughen it up with him. You’ve been too lenient on him. It’s good that he’s becoming a bit more comfortable here, because that is the goal, but he’s not completely loyal yet and that is the problem.”

Shostakov nods and adds, “You need to work at a new angle to ensure his loyalty. He is not supposed to be the enemy.”

Natasha shoots a glare at him. “You need to refrain from telling me what to do. Let’s not forget who has the higher rank here.”

“Men are easy,” Yelena says, “It won’t be difficult for you to restrategize with him.” She smirks. “Why don’t you start sleeping with him?”

Natasha almost chokes on the vodka rushing down her throat. “ _Excuse me?_ ”

Yelena shrugs. “It’s a suggestion. You should get laid. You’ll loosen up.”

“Loosening up is not what we do here,” Natasha snaps. 

“That _is_ true,” Yelena drawls, “but what’s the harm? The superiors are pleased with the work you have done.”

“I am not a fool, Yelena.”

“You don’t need to be one,” Shostakov says.

Natasha glares at both of them.

“Perhaps she is against the idea because of—” Shostakov starts.

Natasha interrupts. “ _No_.”

Yelena snickers. “I have to say… I actually quite look forward to him coming back one day,” Yelena says with a shrug, “It’s always interesting to see how Natalia acts when her little Yasha is around. It’ll be even more interesting to see with the current circumstances.”

Natasha’s chest tightens.

Shostakov smirks.

“Take it,” Natasha hisses, thrusting the bottle into Yelena’s grasp. She storms out of the room and heads to Steve’s quarters.

Steve is drawing. He’s been given a sketchbook and pencils to occupy himself when he’s unneeded. From what Natasha has caught glimpses of, she knows he is talented. It doesn’t surprise her when she sees him drawing Bucky. Yasha. Him.

“Perhaps in another life, you would have been an artist,” Natasha says, looking over his shoulder.

Steve looks up at her. “Maybe. I’d probably starve if that was my career path.” He focuses back on the drawing again, putting more detail into the eyes.

Natasha doesn’t react. She doesn’t have the luxury of being able to make jokes. “That’s Bucky Barnes?”

Steve nods. “Seeing his face up close like that made his features more memorable in my mind. I don’t want to ever forget so I had to draw it out.”

Natasha takes a closer look and all she sees is flashes of the dangerous man that she had known, that she had loved. She hasn’t seen him in years. Definitely not as long as it is for Steve, but still a long time. “You draw well.”

She sees Steve tense in surprise of the compliment. “Thank you,” he murmurs. He hesitates and then looks back up at her again. “Should I be concerned?”

“About?” Natasha raises a brow as she begins to pace around the room.

“Seeing his picture there,” Steve responds, “I don’t know what Shostakov said to you, but it didn’t make me feel any better about the situation.”

Natasha pauses. “I don’t believe you have any reason to be concerned.” One of her most impeccable skills is how good she is at remaining impassive in any situation.

“I just find it strange,” Steve says, “I saw Bucky fall to his death. I remember exactly what he looked like because I see him in my nightmares. The Bucky in that photograph and the Bucky I remember… they look different. I know it’s him, but he looked different. He looked… _older_.”

Natasha says nothing. 

Steve continues, “I’ve never seen him with hair that long. With scruff like that. It was him, but it wasn’t him as I remembered. How can that be?”

“HYDRA does many things,” Natasha says, “They’re capable of many things.” She doesn’t really know what to say to him and she’s tempted to slap herself in the forehead for being unsure.

“I don’t know what to think about it,” Steve says with a sigh. “It’s all that’s in my head.”

“We’ve been patient with you, Captain,” Natasha says, “Distractions won’t be acceptable. You have a place here and we expect you to maintain it.”

Steve huffs. “Don’t get _started_ on that. There’s too much on my mind for me to even try arguing over the reasons why you should let me go from this captivity.”

Natasha narrows her eyes at him.

“I need to figure out my new problem,” Steve says. “That’s what I need to focus on.”

Half of Natasha wonders how much less annoying this would be if her superiors weren’t so keen on making him an ally. If they had wanted to make him an enemy, that would totally be easier. Half of Natasha wonders how much easier things could be if she actively tries to be something along the lines of a friend towards him, rather than just a partner. Maybe she wouldn’t have to deal with the Winter Soldier side problem.

She feels her stomach churn at the thought of that and she blocks it out of her mind. She looks at Steve and crosses her arms.

“Careful, Captain,” Natasha drawls, sinisterly, “Some strings aren’t meant to be pulled.”

* * *

_ Now _

“You know,” Sam says, “I don’t think I ever caught onto what he was trying to do. Now that I think about it, I never caught onto the fact that he was suspicious.”

“Well, I made sure he was lowkey about it,” Sharon responds, “So that’s the reason.”

“ _Still_ ,” Tony muses, “It’s interesting that Capsicle was able to do this under our noses this whole time.”

Clint raises a brow. “How much did you help him?”   
“Not as much as you probably think,” Sharon responds, “He figured out most of it on his own. He was especially fueled when he found out she had been moved around the Triskelion.”

Sam says, “It makes me wonder how much he was really focusing when the Avengers Initiative was taking off.”

“I doubt it was much,” Tony responds, “I had to call the shots half of the time.”

Sharon rolls her eyes. “I wouldn’t pride yourself too much about that.”

“I’m hurt, Carter.” Tony clutches his chest.

“Back to the important subject, though,” Clint says, “these letters are repetitive, Sharon. And they’re short. We’ve gone through all of these. What are we supposed to do now?”

Sharon raises a brow. “Do you believe me now?”

Sam shrugs. “I don’t know, Sharon. The Black Widow has never given me a reason to trust her instincts. I never knew her personally so I don’t know.”

“But he _remembered_ her,” Sharon tries to reason with them, “and that’s why he was on board with the last mission.”

Tony doesn’t look certain. “There’s a lot of compelling evidence so I understand where you’re coming from, but then we have to think about the other side.”

“You seem really keen on considering another side,” Sharon says.

“Because there is another one,” Clint responds, “He was in a coma for a year. _Yeah_ , he was given a clean bill of health, but he wasn’t a regular human. We’ll never know if his memories were real or not.”

“What are you trying to say?” Sharon frowns.

Sam leans back in his seat. “Manipulating memories isn’t something new. We’ve seen it happen before.”

Sharon’s jaw slightly drops. “Are you seriously referencing the Winter Soldier?”

“When has life _not_ surprised us?” Tony asks. “It’s not entirely out of the question.”

“It sounds entirely insane,” Sharon says, looking at them in disbelief. “What are the chances? How would that have even happened?”

“There are a lot of things we won’t know for sure,” Sam says, “ _Ever_. It’s possible.”

“Wel, this is what I know now. SHIELD screwed him over,” Sharon says. “The only reason he took on the Avengers Initiative was that it gave him more access to what he needed to find more information about Natasha.” She sighs. “You can make arguments about his memories being manipulated but I refuse to believe they weren’t real, especially after he got really suspicious.”

* * *

_ After _

Steve feels nervous, to his surprise, when he arrives at the meeting room. He sees a few familiar faces and a few unfamiliar faces. 

Fury actually smiles at him when he arrives. “Captain, _welcome_. Take a seat.” 

Steve looks at the seating arrangement and sits at the only available seat in between Sharon and a man that he doesn’t recognize.

“You’ve already met Stark, Carter, and Barton. On your left is Sam Wilson. Next to Barton is Bruce Banner. Standing on my left is Maria Hill and on my right is Phil Coulson,” Fury says, “but we’re not here for merely simple introductions.”

He clicks on the screen in front of them and a presentation shows up. “There was an idea, Stark knows this, called the Avengers Initiative. The idea was to bring together a group of remarkable people, see if they could become something more. See if they could work together when we needed them to fight the battles we never could.”

Maria steps up. “All of you have your own skills and strengths that set you apart from each other and that’s the reason why we chose each of you specifically.”

Steve’s trying to pay attention, but it’s hard when he can sense some people looking at him in awe every now and then. It feels like he’s being gawked at again like a zoo animal.

Fair enough. Steve spends the next thirty minutes sneaking peeks at his future teammates. The briefing packets he’s gone through don’t give too much detail about them. He’s particularly curious about Dr. Bruce Banner who, according to his file, turns into a green raging monster.

At this point in his life, Steve knows that the impossible can sure as hell be possible, but he’s still surprised and curious about what Bruce can do.

“Any questions?” Coulson asks, snapping Steve out of his thoughts.

“So, how much clearance do I have around the Triskelion?” Tony asks. “I mean, considering I’m not an official agent of SHIELD, Level 6 is a _pretty_ generous number.”

“He’ll probably regret it,” Clint mutters under his breath.

Fury looks unfazed. “You’re not going to have the time to explore the Triskelion like it’s a tourist attraction, Stark. I wouldn’t worry about that.”

Tony shrugs and gestures to his surroundings. “It’s a gorgeous building. Not as gorgeous as Stark Tower, but still. There’s a lot to explore and you’ve given me the permission necessary to explore.”

Fury remains impassive. “Your clearance level is typical for espionage agents in the field. It’s not a toy.”

“ _Shame_ ,” Tony drawls. “Oh, well. I’ll find my way around that.”

“I’m sure you will,” Fury says sarcastically and it’s the biggest flair of personality Steve has ever witnessed from that man.

“Speaking of clearance levels,” Maria speaks up. She turns to Steve. “Captain, you’ve been upgraded to Level 6 clearance. Same level as most of the Avengers.”

Steve immediately wonders what he, too, can do with more access to SHIELD. He’s suddenly thinking like Tony. 

“It’ll be necessary given the assignments that the Avengers will have,” Coulson adds, “SHIELD operates on a need-to-know basis. Some things are to be known, others are not. More information is shared, regardless, as you move up the ladder.”

Steve wonders if he’ll ever be given high enough clearance to find information about Natasha and his seven months in Russia. He glances over at Sharon.

Sharon meets his glance for a brief second, but she immediately looks away from him, as if she knows what he’s thinking. He’s curious as to how high her clearance level is. He imagines that as a member of the legendary Carter family, hers is probably higher than his. At least a 7.

“But there are more important matters than how much paperwork is at your disposal to read,” Fury says, looking uninterested, “For now, the focus is training. Working together. Making sure this team performs as we have planned.”

“So, team bonding exercises,” Sam speaks up.

“Well, you can put it that way,” Coulson says, “but _really_ , the better term is—”

“No, that sounds like the right term to me,” Sharon says. “What do you suggest? How do we break the ice?”

Bruce smiles. “Name. Hometown. College major. Fun fact about yourself.”

“Not all of us have seven PhDs, Banner,” Clint snorts in amusement. “Or a college degree, for that matter.”

“Makes sense,” Tony mutters under his breath.

Clint rolls his eyes.

“Anyways,” Maria says, crossing her arms, “in order to ensure compatibility, we’ve seated the six of you at a table during SHIELD’s annual Christmas gala. This will be your opportunity to meet higher level officials at SHIELD while also pitching the idea of the Avengers Initiative.”

Steve frowns. “Why do we have to pitch the idea? Isn’t this already official?”

Fury responds, “Yes, but we don’t use unanimous voting here. The council makes its decision, something I elect to ignore it. I make decisions, sometimes the council elects to ignore it. High ranked officials either accept it or ignore it. There will always be another side and in a job like this, it’s good to have as many allies as you can get.”

“So, this is about politics?” Sharon raises a brow.

“You could put it that way, Carter,” Fury says, “or you can think of it as an opportunity to further yourself in SHIELD. We’re living in different times.” He looks at Steve. “As you can clearly see.”

Sam cocks his head. “How is this supposed to contribute to team building?”

Coulson leans against the wall. “You six are very different from each other. If people are going to believe that the six of you can succeed together, you’ll have to work towards that, no matter your differences.”

“That’s all we have for you,” Maria says.

Everyone begins to file out of the room and Steve is the last to get out of his seat.

“Have a good day, Captain,” Fury says, “Do take advantage of your Level 6 clearance level to explore more of the Triskelion.” It almost sounds like a challenge.

“Will do, sir,” Steve says with a nod, before heading out to return to the quarters, but he misses the look of suspicion in Fury’s eyes.

* * *

_ Before _

Steve hasn’t seen Natasha in a week. It’s the longest he’s gone without seeing her since waking up in Russia. He doesn’t know where she is or when she’s coming back. 

He only gets visits from the guards, Yelena or Shostakov. Neither assassin is cruel to him in ways that one would expect captors to be, but they’re colder than Natasha and the way they speak to him is more malicious. Neither of them elaborate on Natasha’s whereabouts.

What Steve has picked up on during her absence is that Shostakov has a sick sense of humor and Yelena is just straight up mean. It’s not like Natasha is all sunshine and daisies around him, but he feels more comfortable in her presence.

They play card games, have deep conversations about things as simple as interior design, and discuss their nightmares. She has become like a companion to him.

“How did you do your hair back in the forties?” Yelena asks him, accompanying him as he eats his breakfast.

“What?” Steve looks up from his plate of blini, a traditional pancake dish that he is becoming quite fond of. 

“You’re not deaf,” Yelena responds, “You heard me.” While he’s eating, she’s using her free time to sharpen her knives. The sound of the steel makes him cringe, but from the look on her face, she doesn’t care at all.

Steve shrugs. “Pretty much the same way I style it now. _Well_ , I don’t really style it now, anyways.”

Yelena’s nose wrinkles. “You must adjust to the times, Captain.” She stands up and stands behind him, looking at his hair. “You look like an _idiot_.”

Internally, Steve tells himself that being pettily insulted like this is much better than being tortured, so he just lets her do it. There are much worse ways to suffer.

“I don’t see a barber around here. Do you?” Steve huffs.

“No,” Yelena responds, gingerly, “but there’s still me.” She reaches for two of her knives and holds them over his head.

Steve ducks. “What are you doing?” He turns to face her.

Yelena holds her knives out like she’s cutting a steak. “Giving you a haircut. Isn’t it obvious?”

“ _Um_ , I know that decades have passed since the last time I got a haircut, but I’m confident that people haven’t adopted new techniques using knives,” Steve says.

Yelena laughs and he decides that she has the coldest laugh he’s ever heard. She opens her mouth to say something, but then there’s a voice at the doorway.

“Yelena, are you attempting to feed on the Captain’s brains?” Natasha drawls.

Steve looks over in the direction of the voice and sees Natasha standing there. She’s dressed in her catsuit and has a large bandaid on her cheek.

“Of course,” Yelena says, sarcastically, “Americans are always _so_ delicious.” She taps Steve’s cheek with the hilt of her knife. 

She walks towards the redhead. “ _Natalia_. I thought you were going to be gone for at least another week.”

Natasha answers, “I _was_.” She crosses her arms and come closer. “But there was nothing left for me to do.”

“Hm.”

“Where is Shostakov?”

Yelena chuckles. “He and Lebedev are at some dump in Siberia. Don’t expect them back for a month at max. He left yesterday.” She points to Steve. “I’ve been taking care of your игрушка.”

Natasha looks at Steve and meets his glance. “Seems that you’ve been taking quite good care of him.”

“ _Of course_ ,” Yelena says. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have more tedious errands to run.” She doesn’t wait for any response as she disappears out of the room.

“Captain,” Natasha greets him, taking the seat left vacant by Yelena. “How have you been?”

By the tone of her voice, Steve knows she doesn’t actually care. “Fine.”

“Yelena and Shostakov treat you well?”

“As well as they could,” Steve answers, simply.

Natasha smirks. “How was training?”

Yelena and Shotakov had basically replaced Natasha in her everyday duties while she had been gone. He had eaten his meals, trained in the gym, and had daily conversations with the pair. 

Fighting both of them had been quite an eye opening experience for him. He had expected them to fight identically to Natasha since they’ve presumably been working together for a while now. That hadn’t been the case though.

Shostakov had been very physical and in his face, which Steve considers to be normal. It’s the type of combat that he’s used to fighting. Yelena, on the other hand, had been a bit similar to Natasha. She moves like a dancer and relies more on tricks during the fighting. What sets her apart from Natasha is what makes her similar to Shostakov. Despite relying on tricks, she’s much more physical. Natasha does it quick and clean. Yelena and Shostakov don’t.

“They are both very good,” Steve responds, “They fight similar to the way you do. Did you three train together?”

Natasha chuckles. “Depends.” She meets his gaze. “On your definition of together.”

Steve looks at the bandaid on her face. “What happened to you?”

“Typical business,” Natasha replies, “Believe it or not, my job here is more than just babysitting you, Captain.”

Moments like these are tempting for Steve to grin or chuckle. It’s one of the times when Natasha shows more personality and it makes him feel that he’s having her as a companion. It’s difficult for him.

“Why wasn’t Yelena or Shostakov there with you? Why wasn’t I there with you?” Steve asks, genuinely curious about that.

Natasha purses her lips, before responding, “I didn’t need any assistance. I also didn’t need you to be left alone.”

Steve raises a brow. “What were you doing?”

Natasha smirks. “What makes you think you have any right to know? It’s confidential.”

Steve doesn’t respond. 

Natasha leans back in her seat. “I have to ask, though. How much are you willing to risk to find your way back to the United States, Captain?”

* * *

_ After _

The universe is against him and that’s the only answer that Steve has to all of his problems. It’s been two days since he’s been given higher clearance and it’s done pretty much nothing for him. 

It’s not like he has much time to spare for exploring, anyways. Since he’s going to be leading a team, Fury’s been making Steve sit through crash courses to learn about modern technology and culture. He may not have any information about Natasha’s whereabouts, but he does know how to use the microwave. Amazing stuff. Besides that, he tries to squeeze in visits to Peggy, but he also wants to reserve her time for her children.

He settles into the sofa in his quarters, scrolling through official SHIELD documents on current threats when Sharon enters.

“Hey,” Sharon says, shutting the door behind her.

Steve looks up. “Hey.”

She walks over to the windows and looks out at the night sky. “I have another note for you.” She doesn’t move, though, as she continues to look over the view of Washington, D.C. “But I wanted to talk to you.”

“Go ahead,” Steve says.

“I know that you want to get as much about Natasha as you can out of me,” Sharon says, “but I just need you to understand that there isn’t much. And from now on, there won’t be any.”

Steve frowns. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not supposed to know this, but SHIELD reclassified the need-to-know basis when it comes to prisoners. I’m Level 8. Everything that could’ve possibly led you in the direction you needed is now available for only Level 9 and 10,” Sharon responds.

Steve swallows his breath. “So, even if you were willing, you couldn’t get any information for me.”

Sharon shakes her head. “I can’t.”

Steve pauses. “I don’t know what you want from me, Sharon. You want me to connect the dots, but you don’t want to help me. How am I supposed to go on from here?”

“That’s exactly what I want,” Sharon says, “I need you to figure out the truth about SHIELD and Natasha. I can’t let these lies build up under my nose… but at the same time, I can’t get too involved in it. There’s only so much I can handle and this isn’t one of those things. I want to help. I do. But at the same time, this is about you, not me. You have to do this.”

Steve sighs. “I don’t want to tarnish your family’s legacy.”

Sharon moves and sits across from him. “SHIELD isn’t just my family’s legacy, but… I know. There’s just a lot at stake.”

Steve hesitates and asks, “What happens if I can’t find anything? What happens if we fail?”

“I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t want to, either.”

Steve nods in understanding.

“But here’s your note,” Sharon says, reaching into her bag and pulling out a piece of paper.

_ Dear Steve, _

_ I dreamt of you last night. I saw your face and embraced you. I don’t know how long I’ve been here. I’ve lost track of the days. All I know is that it’s been too long. _

“Agent Bobbi Morse and Agent Jimmy Woo were the ones who were sent to Russia with a team to find you in Russia,” Sharon says, “I’ve tried to contact them during the past few weeks, but it turns out they’re both in a deep undercover mission in Australia. Extraction isn’t scheduled for another six months.”

Steve huffs in disbelief.

“They probably would have been the most willing source to tell you what your relationship to Natasha was,” Sharon responds, “That part of the file has always been classified to me, but they were the ones who wrote it, so they know it.”

Steve says, “She sounds like a lover.” He doesn’t even know what to think about that. The possibilities are endless, but that specific theory makes him feel uneasy.

Sharon nods. “She does. She’s never been specific to me when I’ve interviewed her, but the way she talks about you… she makes it sound like that.”

“Why don’t you just tell me more about the interviews? Why can’t you just ask her to clarify everything in the interviews?”

“They’re not as informative as you would think,” Sharon responds, “She doesn’t open herself up to me. As for why I don’t ask her specific questions… that’s not for me to do.”

“When will you show me all of the notes, then? There’s more of them out there,” Steve asks.

“ _Soon_ ,” Sharon responds. “I know I’m being difficult. I know I seem like an obstacle. But I promise you… it’s only because this is hard for me.”

Steve sighs and they sit in silence for a few minutes. He knows. He does.

“What’s her last name?”

Sharon pauses. “Romanoff.”

Steve squints. “That’s Russian.”

“Curious, isn’t it?” Sharon shrugs. 

“Probably obvious,” Steve mutters.

Sharon takes a deep breath. “Don’t fret about it.” She leans forward. “Everything’s above my clearance level now, but there is one thing I know that will help.” 

Steve asks, “What is it?”

Sharon inhales. “They moved her. She’s not in the Triskelion anymore. I’ve been revoked the privileges to interview her so you’re really on your own now. I’m sorry.”

* * *

_ Before _

“Captain,” an unfamiliar voice calls to him from the doorway.

Steve looks up and sees a man with pale skin, dark hair, and the coldest look on his face. “Sir?”

The man smiles, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “Call me General Kapranov.” He’s dressed in a military suit and doesn’t even bother to conceal the weapon strapped to his leg.

He ambles towards Steve. “I’ve been meaning to make your acquaintance during the past month, but I’ve been occupied by other troubling matters. My sincerest apologies.” It sounds as fake as he looks and Steve assumes it’s just a Russian mannerism.

“There is no need to apologize to me,” Steve says, “for that manner, at least.”

Kapranov raises a brow. “Sharp tongue. You fit in with us well.”

For a split second, Steve isn’t entirely sure how he should react. Natasha, Yelena and Shostakov freely bicker with him without an issue. He supposes it all has to do with the “not a prisoner” thing, but he’s not sure if this also applies to the superiors. He assumes Kapranov is one of those. 

“It’s not like I have a choice,” Steve retorts.

Kapranov chuckles. “Choice is an interesting concept. You can ask any agent here. We believe in loyalty.”

He walks over to him. “Romanoff has been training you well. We are all pleased with the results. You are a very capable man.”

Steve replies, “Thank you.” Although, he doesn’t know if that’s the right thing to say.

“Agent Romanoff is, in my opinion, the _greatest_ agent ever to represent this beautiful country,” Kapranov says, “I’ve known her since my leadership here, but that only covers a short fraction of her extensive history. You are in good hands, Captain. Her legacy is one of the proudest ones in Russia.”

Steve has wondered about Natasha’s past. He wonders what her upbringing had been that she had ended up having the job that she does. He knows Yelena calls her “Natalia” and it just fuels more curiosity.

A part of him thinks that the “relationship” that he has with Natasha has had enough connection that he can ask her these things, but the other part of him, probably a more rational part, thinks that the idea is foolish.

“She has done countless deeds in service to her country,” Kapranov says, “She’s credited with over a hundred assassinations. Direct and indirect. Her resume doesn’t do her justice when describing details the extent of work she has done on behalf of us.”

He begins to pace around in a circle. “Some of her work that stands out to me the most from recent years are… hm… the massacre in Sao Paulo and the hospital fire and… _ah_ , Dreykov’s daughter. Good work from that. The Italian diplomat, oh, that was messy. Blood everywhere. The Chinese blogger. The Canadian lobbyist’s family. So much bloodshed.”

He turns to face Steve. “However, I think I am most proud of one particular mission in Germany. Took down twenty government officials with only her body as a weapon. Got out unscathed and without any bloodshed. Impressive, if you ask me.”

It’s at that moment when Steve realizes how much of an idiot he’s been. He’s disgusted and surprised at himself for forgetting just how dangerous Natasha truly is. He doesn’t know how he let himself forget that. He’s literally being held captive by a group of people who haven’t hidden the fact that the work they do isn’t normal and is definitely dangerous. 

Steve wants to slap himself in the forehead for letting Natasha’s sarcasm and wit get to him. Of course, he had let it distract him from the true extent of danger that he faces here.

He takes a deep breath. “What are you trying to say?”

Kapranov steps back towards the exit. “You are lucky to be an ally to Russia. Know that.” He leaves before Steve can get another word out.

Steve is left alone for ten minutes and he uses that time to get lost with his thoughts. He knows that he has let his guard down and that he has, to his utter disbelief, warmed up to Natasha. He may not be holding hands and cracking inside jokes with her, but he’s become comfortable enough with her.

Steve knows that the reason Natasha lets him feel this way is because she wants him to be comfortable in Russia. The Russians want him to feel content where he is so that they can continue using him for his missions.

Steve knows this. He understands this. He just doesn’t know how he ignored that. He shakes his head. He has to think clearly now. As much as he truly does believe in Natasha’s “fight for your values, not your country” motto, he still believes to fight the right way.

_Sure_ , Natasha does good deeds as he’s experienced and heard of, but he still knows about how cruel she truly is. He can’t just continue to ignore that.

No. Steve has to go home. He needs to figure out the whole situation with Bucky. He needs to find his way back to the United States. Or well, at least out of this country. This isn’t where he belongs. No matter what mindset the Russians instill in him, it doesn’t change the fact that this is not home. This is not right.

When Natasha comes into his room, she’s sipping on a glass of vodka, as if that’s normal in the afternoon. “Captain,” she greets him, “General Kapranov told me that the two of you finally met.”

Steve nods. He can’t look at her. He just imagines her covered in blood, an eerie smile on her face.

“He compliments your fighting ability and your wit,” Natasha says, “You should be impressed with yourself.”

He shrugs.

Natasha narrows her eyes again. She continues to make attempts at small talk, but all Steve hears is the General’s words about Natasha’s kill list. He doesn’t look at her. He just stares at the wall behind her.

She picks up on this and crosses her arms.

“Very well. I see that you are in no mood to converse,” Natasha says, “Perhaps I’ll leave you alone for the night. Remember, Captain, I am always available if needed.”

Steve remains silent and he doesn’t bother to look at her as she leaves.

It’s nighttime and the building is absolutely silent. Steve lays in his bed, both eyes wide open as he stares at the ceiling. He’s breathing so fast and heavily, feeling unsettled. He feels his adrenaline pumping and he wants to move. He wants to do something. He just doesn’t know what.

He isn’t in the right mind when he jumps out of bed, busts the door down, knocks his guard out, steals his weapon, and runs. He triggers alarms and runs into people, but he fights his way out of it until he’s able to crash out of a window and end up outside the building.

Steve doesn’t even feel the cold wind. He supposes it’s probably because of his serum and the adrenaline. He doesn’t stop to wonder as he runs as fast as he can. He has no idea where he’s going but he’s in the forest and there are trees everywhere so he believes that this is better than running out in an open field.

He can hear people yelling in Russian behind him and he heard gunshots, but it doesn’t deter him. He runs and runs and runs, but then he feels someone come up behind him and knock him onto the ground.

Steve looks up and sees Natasha on top of him, an angered expression on her face. She points her gun to his face and the only thought crossing his mind is how the hell she got to him so fast. He can’t even see the others from where he’s laying and he highly doubts Natasha was roaming around the woods at this hour. He didn’t hear the sounds of any helicopter or other vehicle so she had to have run after him. He just doesn’t know how she possibly caught up to him.

“Stand down, Captain,” Natasha commands. 

Steve’s breathing is even heavier and he just stares at her for a minute, but then, with all his might, he knocks the gun out of her hand and shoves her off of him.

Natasha doesn’t hesitate to fight back and while he’s dodging her attacks, he swears that she hadn’t been this strong and fast when they practiced sparring in the gym. He knows she’s a skilled fighter, but he doesn’t remember her being this good. She’s always been better at him when it comes to fighting techniques, but he had always been stronger. At least, that had been what he thought.

Steve tries to ignore the shock as he fights her back. Eventually, he’s able to push her back and he has a chance to run again, but he’s been so caught up in surprise and adrenaline that he hadn’t noticed at least a dozen armed men coming up to them.

“ _Well, well, well_ ,” Kapranov says, stepping towards them. “Isn’t this a sight?”

Natasha gets up on her feet and points her gun at Steve. She doesn’t look angered anymore. She has a look of disbelief on her face.

Kapranov chuckles. “We _just_ talked tonight, Captain, and yet here you are. You attempted to escape. I’m hurt.”

Steve keeps his eyes on Natasha.

“I thought we had an understanding, Captain,” Kapranov pouts, “A _shame_.”

Steve doesn’t bother to meet his gaze. He continues to focus on Natasha and her green eyes express an emotion he has never thought to associate with her.

Betrayal.

* * *

_ After _

“This is idiotic,” Sam mutters under his breath.

Sharon rolls her eyes. “None of us like this. Deal with it.” She finishes fixing his necktie for him and then looks him up and down. She nods. “Perfect.”

“You still need people to tie your tie for you?” Tony scoffs, entering the room. “ _Pathetic_ , Wilson.”

“Can it, Stark.”

Sharon looks in the mirror and reaches for a tube of red lipstick. “Settle down, children.” She applies a matte layer on her lips and smacks her lips. “Fury’s going to kill us if we screw this up.”

“I still don’t understand why we need to do this,” Clint groans. “I can’t remember the last time I had to dress up like this.” He turns to Sharon. “This is why I opt for the trashier undercover missions.”

Sharon snorts in amusement.

“How long is this supposed to last?” Bruce asks.

“All night,” Steve responds with a huff, “well, that’s the idea I got from the itinerary.”

Tony shrugs. “Well, it’s an open bar so it can’t be that bad.”

It’s not like Steve can get drunk, but he supposes that feeling the burn of vodka for even a second is bearable enough for tonight.

At a highly secured venue, Steve sips on the martini that does nothing for him and makes attempts at small talk with officials from SHIELD. He’s never really considered himself to be that great of a conversationalist, but Clint had given him some pointers on how to talk to authoritative figures.

The problem isn’t really that Steve doesn’t know how to talk to people. The problem is that these people around him are pretending that they’ve known him since the day he was supposedly recovered from the ice by SHIELD. They’re all liars and he has difficulties trying to fake it with them.

He knows he has to, though. The look that Sharon gives him as she speaks to some Brock Rumlow guy tells him that. That’s what fuels him to bullshit a conversation with some Jack Rollins dude that he “apparently” had worked with before.

Steve hates this. He doesn’t like all the lying and pretending. He doesn’t like all the deception and secrecy. He still will force himself to get through it, because he knows there is no other way to get what he wants.

He knows he needs to build relationships with these SHIELD officials to make things easier for him. If he’s going to be on his own with his little Natahsa investigation, the least he could do is make some allies who can lead him towards the information he needs.

Still, he doesn’t understand how easily these people lie to him. He’s a terrible liar himself, but he still can’t catch any sign of lying from the people he speaks to. It amazes him how skilled they are at this type of deception.

And then to his surprise, Fury gets on the podium, a glass of bourbon in his hand, and he announces, “SHIELD is proud to have Captain Steve Rogers, or as history remembers him, Captain America, back with us after being in a coma for one year. Welcome back, Captain. We’re happy that you’ve recovered.”

If it’s even possible, he feels like there are even more eyes on him as people clap. He looks at Sharon, who only nods at him. 

Fury motions for Steve to come up onto the stage and it’s not like he would refuse in front of all these people, but he definitely wouldn’t refuse after seeing the glare on his face. It’s astounding how scary someone’s facial expression can be, despite having one eye covered.

“Good evening everyone,” Steve says into the microphone. It comes out a bit more pitchy than he intended, so he moves his face back a little. “I want to thank everyone here for their support and kind words. It’s going to be a mountain to climb to move on after the coma, but I’m determined to make the most of my situation and overcome it.” He gestures towards the table he had been sitting at. “I’m honored to be bestowed the privilege of leading the new group, the Avengers. I assure you that the Avengers Initiative is in good hands and that we will do SHIELD proud.”

He’s rehearsed this a few times and has ensured that his delivery is perfect. Still, the words taste bitter in his mouth. He has to act like he feels comfortable with these people when all they’ve done is lie to him.

Steve deals with it, anyways. He smiles, he laughs, he shakes his hand. He cracks jokes with agents that he supposedly knows. 

“You’re doing good,” Sharon says, after Jasper Sitwell excuses himself. “I’m impressed.”

Steve looks at her. “Well, I’m doing what I have to do.”

Sharon shrugs. “I know. It’s just that it’s difficult for you.”

Steve takes a sip of his useless whiskey. “It is what it is.”

“Who have you talked to?” Sharon asks.

“Rollins, Sitwell, May, Simmons, W—”

“ _No_ ,” Sharon interrupts, “I mean, who have you really talked to?”

Steve frowns. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Sharon gives him a knowing look. “Don’t play coy with me.”

Steve averts his gaze. “No one. I don’t think… I don’t know.”

“Finding an ally within SHIELD is smart,” Sharon says, “I mean, _obvious_ , but smart.”

“Any tips?” Steve raises a brow.

Sharon takes a deep breath. “Be careful who you trust. I know that may be obvious given the circumstances you’re in, but there are really some people here that you shouldn’t trust.”

“Like who?” Steve furrows a brow.

Sharon purses her lips.

Steve’s about to ask the question again when he hears someone call his name behind him.

He turns around and sees a man dressed in a crisp grey suit. He recognizes him as the man Fury spent a lot of time talking to earlier during the party. 

“Agent Carter,” he says to Sharon.

“Mr. Pierce,” Sharon greets him, “Hello.” 

Steve notices that the smile on her face looks forced and the look on Pierce’s face looks equally fake.

“Do you mind if I steal Captain Rogers from you for a moment?” Pierce asks.

Sharon shakes her head. “Go ahead.” She narrows her eyes at Steve and then walks away towards Bruce.

Pierce motions for Steve to follow him. “I don’t suppose you remember who I am, do you?”

“I recall the name. That’s about it, sir,” Steve responds.

Pierce waves his hand dismissively. “The ‘sir’ is unnecessary. It makes me feel old.” He lets out a chuckle that makes Steve’s stomach churn. “I’m the secretary of the World Security Council in affiliation with SHIELD.”

“So, how does it feel to be given a leadership role in a SHIELD team?” Pierce asks. “I remember that you had wanted to get out there and be apart of something, rather than stay behind and watch from the Triskelion.”

The fact that everyone lies to him at ease makes him wonder what happened during his coma. He wonders if every SHIELD agent had been given a crash course in how to approach Captain America when he wakes up. Everyone seems to know the story and what to say to him to make it work.

“I’ve never stood down from a fight,” Steve responds, “especially a fight for what is right.”

“Admirable,” Pierce says with a nod. “It’s good that you’re back at a time like this. Peace is a responsibility in today’s world.”

Steve nods. “I agree.”

Pierce takes a quick sip of his drink. “So, aside from the Avengers and adjusting to a modern time once again, what have you been doing in your spare time, Captain?”

Steve pauses before responding, “Nothing else, to be honest. There’s a lot around the Triskelion I don’t think I understand.”

“Such as?” Pierce looks genuinely curious.

“My assailant,” Steve responds, “I’d like to speak to her, but apparently that’s not allowed.”

“I suppose Fury believes there are more impending matters for you to deal with,” Pierce says.

“Probably.”

Pierce shrugs. “I wouldn’t worry about it, Captain. She’s not even here anymore.”

Steve already knows this, but he pretends to be surprised. He squints. “Really?”

Pierce nods. “She was moved the other day. SHIELD is moving onto the next phase of interrogation. It’s a lot of work to refigure a person’s purpose.”

“What does that mean?”

Pierce chuckles. “I don’t think I’m allowed to tell you that.”

Steve tries not to look disappointed, but he reasons in his head that he shouldn’t push someone, especially someone with as much power as Pierce, for answers. At least not during their first conversation.

He shrugs. “I suppose I have enough on my hands now that I don’t need to worry about that yet.”

Pierce nods. “I have to say I’m glad that Director Fury has started the Avengers Initiative,” he remarks, “My work has been getting busy. The Winter is difficult.” He takes a sip of his martini. “Well, I must be off. I’ve been meaning to get a word in with Agent Rumlow. Good night, Captain.”

If he’s one of the people that Sharon had been alluding to when she said not to trust everyone, he definitely understands why. Something about him is chilling.

* * *

_ Before _

Steve isn’t sure what to expect from Natasha when she enters his room in the morning to deliver breakfast to him. He looks down at his tray and sees a meager piece of toast and margarine waiting for him. He supposes that the chef was told to give him something unfulfilling. 

She says nothing as she sits across from him and she stares at him as he bites into his toast.

He gets that Natasha’s pissed at him, but he can’t really bring himself to care, especially since his brain started working again and he remembers just how dangerous his situation is.

“You put up a good fight,” Natasha drawls eventually, breaking the silence.

Steve says nothing. 

Natasha doesn’t seem deterred by the silence at all. She leans forward. “You have nothing to say to me, Captain? Not even an ‘Oh, you fight pretty well too.’? I’m _hurt_.” She pretends to pout.

Steve inhales. She’s messing with him again, using humor to lure him into a false sense of security. He’s not going to fall for this again. He won’t allow it. 

“If you’re not going to talk, then, I’ll just take this time to voice some thoughts I’ve had for the past couple days,” Natasha says.

She folds her hands together. “I’ve been waiting for a month for you to attempt escaping and I must say I was very impressed by your efforts. I guess you’re not a super soldier for nothing.” She chuckles and it’s as cold as Yelena’s laugh.

Steve stiffens.

“I don’t know how much thought you put into strategizing your escape, but judging from how frantic you were fighting me, I assume it was more spontaneous than anything. Of course, that doesn’t matter,” Natasha says, “but it seems that luck was potentially on your side because you chose the right direction to run. More power to you.”

Steve swallows the last bite of his toast.

She continues, “ _Still_ , we had all been hoping that you would’ve learned by now, Captain. You’ve spent a lot of quality time with us. You’re getting used to this life. Yet… you still haven’t caught on. You’re still a fool.” The sarcasm and wit is gone and is replaced by malice and coldness.

Steve looks down at his hands to avoid her gaze.

“General Kapranov, in particular, was disappointed at your behavior. He was impressed with your escape attempt, nonetheless, but you failed his test,” Natasha says.

Steve frowns, but doesn’t look up. “Excuse me?”

Natasha snickers. “Some consider it a stereotype of the Russian people, but in these walls, it’s far from a stereotype. We are cold. We are cunning. We are intelligent. And being around us, adapting to the way we live, we thought you would have picked up on all that.”

“You’re disappointed that I’m not an evil killing machine?” Steve asks.

“Despite what you may think of my past, I’m still a human being, Captain,” Natasha sneers at him, “I am no machine.”

“You’re a _monster_ ,” Steve says, finally looking up. “And when I finally remembered just how messed up this whole situation is, just how messed up you and everyone else are, I had to escape. That’s why I tried. You can try to joke around with me all you want, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve done unspeakable things.”

Natasha looks at him, lips pursed tightly together.

For a second, Steve thinks that maybe he offended her and that he has succeeded in silencing her.

He’s proven wrong when her lips curl into a smirk. “Tell me. Do you pride yourself in the fact that you haven’t properly succumbed to our power? Does it bring you joy to know you had the right mind to try and escape? As you’ve said, you had been caught off guard by humor that you almost forgot just how much of a damned killer I am. But here you are saying that you’re not a fool. Saying that you haven’t forgotten. Does that make you proud?”

He knows she’s trying to mess with him, but he refuses to let her continue. “I’m just happy to know that I can still think clearly. That I’m not brainwashed. That I’m not losing my mind.”

Natasha sniggers and leans back. “That’s what you believe?”

“That’s what I know,” Steve responds, firmly.

Natasha laughs again and leans forward. “Interesting.” She taps her fingers along the tabletop. “ _Well_ , despite having the right state of mind, it’s fascinating to know that you still did exactly what we wanted you to do last night.”

Steve raises a brow. “Meaning?”

“You have good aim with a gun,” Natasha says, “The men you shot were all hit in crucial spots, but the bulletproof vests they wore saved their lives.”

Steve squints. He doesn’t understand how this is even relevant.

Natasha cocks her head. “You really let your moral compass control your self-righteous ass. It fueled the fire inside of you necessary to escape.”

She chuckles. “It’s unfortunate, because we were hoping that you would trust us a lot more than that by now, but at least we know just how deep your loyalty is. Just how skewed your moral compass is. We know to do better now.”

“What are you talking about?” Steve frowns.

Natasha hums. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this to drill it in your head. We are not here to be your enemy. We may not be actively trying to be your friend, but we are trying to be united. We do not see you as a foe and because of that, there is a level of _trust_ that we have with you.”

She crosses her arms. “You exceeded our expectations during the missions. You exceeded our expectations during training. That set the level of trust. However, we know that your trust level is different.”

Steve doesn’t feel any more informed about whatever point she’s trying to make.

She continues, “Kapranov wanted to test your trust level. He wanted to see just how much you could handle. He wanted to know how you break. From your little escape attempt, it told us you aren’t ready yet.”

“Ready?” There are probably a dozen questions flooding his brain, but he can’t ask them all at once.

“Eventually, you will understand,” Natasha says, “and we’ll no longer have to keep you in these conditions. You can walk freely here and work with us on your ground. We haven’t gotten to that part yet.”

She chuckles. “Kapranov was smart to talk about what I’ve done. It definitely triggers reactions. It triggered quite a reaction out of you. It’s a shame that it only told us you aren’t ready.”

Steve blinks. “Are you… are you saying that he said all that stuff on _purpose_ to see how I’d react?”

“Of course,” Natasha responds.

Steve frowns. He hadn’t thought about it that way. “It was staged? You expected me to escape? Or… you thought I might’ve?”

“Well, _of course_ it was a plot, Rogers. It’s quite a simple concept,” Natasha says, rolling her eyes. “No one does anything here without a reason.” She inhales. “It’s a shame, though. I was just beginning to truly trust you.”

Natasha’s always been a pro at deception. Steve isn’t sure whether to believe her or not.

* * *

_ After _

Steve has compiled pages and pages of secret research into SHIELD during the past couple of days, in hopes that it would help him draw a clear path to exactly what he needs to find. He’s nowhere near as close as he wants to be in terms of finding information, but the bump in clearance level has shown off its perks.

He decides to take a break for lunch and exits his quarters to meet the Avengers for lunch when he hears voices in the meeting room.

“You can’t do that!”

Steve recognizes the voice as Clint’s.

“Well, seems that you’re wrong because I already did.”

Steve recognizes that voice as Fury’s.

“ _No_. It’s my fault. She missed her extraction because of me. I should go back there and get her.”

“It’s too late for that, Agent Barton. Going back would only pose a bigger risk for her and that’s the last thing we need.”

Steve turns around the hallway and walks into the room. Fury is sitting down, an annoyed expression on his face. Meanwhile, Clint is pacing in circles in front of him. “Is everything alright?”

Tony scoffs. “Definitely far from it.”

“What’s going on?” Bruce says behind Steve, raising a brow.

“Agent Carter is currently in Bucharest,” Fury says, “She was sent with Agent Barton to tie up loose ends on one of their ops from earlier this year, but things went awry and she’ll be staying undercover for at least a few months.”

Steve’s jaw drops. “What? How did that happen?”

“Our contact got ambushed,” Clint responds, “Sharon and I knew we were screwed at that point. I got out, but she got stuck.”

“What happens from here?” Sam asks.

Clint sighs. “I guess we have to leave her there until it’s safe for her to get out. The only good thing that comes out of this is that she can collect more information. It’s just fucking dangerous.”

He huffs. “This is all my fault.”

“Agent 13 is capable,” Fury says, “She’s been through missions similar enough so she can handle it. Hill is making sure of it. The best thing we can do from here is to work harder.”

“What happens to the Avengers Initiative?” Bruce raises a brow.

“Temporarily on hold,” Fury responds, “but not entirely. We’ll still move on without Agent Carter, but we’ll be tweaking the plans.”

Steve barely listens as he picks at the catered lunch Fury has provided for them. He knows he should be listening since he’s going to be the damn captain of the team, but he just can’t bring himself to focus. Luckily, the presentation is printed out and in a folder with other briefing reports that he can just review later.

When the meeting lets out, Steve catches up to Clint. “Hey. Can I ask you something?”

“You just did,” Clint says, a hint of a smile on his face.

“But actually.”

“Shoot.”

“What were you guys doing in Romania?” Steve asks. 

Clint purses his lips. “It’s classified. Level 7. I’m sorry.”

Steve takes a deep breath. “Can you at least assure me that she’ll be back soon?”

Clint shakes his head. “I don’t know if I can promise you anything.”

“She is the best source for my memories during those seven months,” Steve says, “She is my closest connection. I need her back eventually.” It’s a half-truth and a half-lie.

“Sharon is one of the best agents SHIELD has ever had,” Clint says, “I can’t promise she’ll be back by tomorrow, but she’ll be back soon. Trust in her.”

Steve wants to. He really does, but it’s hard.

He feels alone later that night. He sits by the window, sipping on a cup of hot chocolate. He had made the mistake of searching Bucky’s name on the Internet and it brings back memories that make him uneasy.

He’s scrolling through pages on the Smithsonian’s website where they have a World War II memorial section. Bucky is one of the veterans whose photos are plastered around the articles. 

Steve swallows his breath as he takes in the features of his dear friend. It only feels like a few months since he had last seen him, even though it’s truly been decades and decades. Still, his heart feels empty as he remembers the look of fear on Bucky’s face when he fell from the train.

He continues scrolling and he stops when he sees a photo of him with Bucky. They’re both smiling and his chest tightens at the sight of it. He wishes he was back there.

There’s a caption and Steve pauses to read it aloud. “An exhibit in dedication to Steve Rogers, famously known as ‘Captain America’; Bucky Barnes, the only Howling Commando to give his life in service for his country; and the rest of the Howling Commandos will be displayed in the Smithsonian Institute beginning in early 2013.”

Steve’s eyes slightly widen. He knows that he has to go to the exhibit once it opens. He just hopes that Fury will allow him in the public eye by then. If the man is gonna ban him from seeing Natasha, the least he could do is allow him to see his old friend.

He sighs as he thinks about Natasha. He’s searched her name since he knows her last name now, but he’s gotten nothing. It’s like she doesn’t exist.

He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to do this on his own if he’s being met with too many obstacles while trying to find out something about her. He’s been able to access floor plans of the Triskelion, but security footage is above his clearance level. He’s been able to narrow down possible areas that could be used as prisons, but he doesn’t have access to them.

As for where she’s been moved, Steve has no idea. He’s picked up on the fact that SHIELD owns many facilities around the world that are all equipped with many different jets, but he hasn’t been able to narrow down which ones serve as more of a prison than a research base or an office park.

However, he’s been able to conclude that it’s not likely that they moved her too far from Washington, D.C., let alone outside of the country. He had gained access to SHIELD aircraft records and none of them detail a prisoner on board.

Unless Fury screwed with the records to throw him off balance, Steve is pretty confident that Natasha is within driving distance from the Triskelion. He just isn’t sure what to do with that information.

That brings his mind back to Pierce. Steve suspects that Pierce knows a great deal about Natasha’s situation and he had definitely seemed to be a bit more open than Fury could ever be.

But there had been something about Pierce that made Steve a bit uneasy. Maybe it’s just that he’s a man with a lot of authority. Maybe it’s because he knows Pierce is lying to him the way everyone at SHIELD is lying to him. Maybe it’s just the same uneasiness he feels towards Fury. Still, he can’t help but wonder if Pierce could pave the path he needs to find Natasha.

Steve sighs as he looks out at his view of Washington, D.C. “ _God_ , Sharon,” he mutters to himself, “You weren’t kidding when you said I had to do this on my own now…”

He inhales. “Where the hell are you, Natasha?”

* * *

_ Before _

Two and a Half Months Later

Time has passed like a blur to him. After his escape attempt, the Russians have been keeping a tight leash on him, as if to ensure that he won’t try to escape again. It makes him wonder why Natasha had even bothered to tell him about Kapranov’s intentions. It had just made him feel more uneasy and he hasn’t even thought about escaping since then. Not out of loyalty, but out of reason.

He’s been spending his time training and training and training. Sometimes Natasha is there to fight with him. Other times it’s Yelena or Shostakov or a random soldier. Kapranov watches sometimes.

He remembers clearly how skilled of a fighter Natasha was during his escape attempt and now that he knows just how good she is, she seems to giving him everything as she guides him in combat. They don’t actually speak to each other, but it’s like they speak through their actions.

When he isn’t training, a tutor comes to visit him to teach him how to read and speak Russian. At first, he had no interest in learning the language, but then he realized that it means that people would stop talking about him right in front of his face. He knows Yelena insults him to his face.

He spends his alone time thinking about Bucky and what he’s going to do about him and how so.

Steve still eats his meals with and gets visits from Natasha. There isn’t much talking though. He doesn’t know what to say to her and it seems that she would rather just rant than engage in an actual conversation.

Steve does struggle a little bit when she’s around though. Her words about trust and partnership have been stuck in his head and he isn’t sure why he can’t stop thinking about it.

He doesn’t want to trust them. He doesn’t want to partner with them. He knows what kind of people they are and he wants nothing to do with them. 

Still, she had looked so genuine when she told him that she was beginning to trust him. She had seemed honest. It messes with him because he knows that she’s trained to not be honest. In his head, he knows not to trust her, but he’s always seen the good in people and has always thought about the other side. He just doesn’t know if that applies to her. 

Steve has to admit though, things aren’t the same. He would never say that he feels like he belongs in Russia, but he has been growing accustomed to living there. He knows that he had become comfortable with Natasha because she had been like a companion to him. She had used sarcasm and humor to make him feel more comfortable.

It’s not like that anymore. It’s not the same. Part of that is because of him. He’s thinking clearly again which means he’s not allowing himself to play the role of the fool. At the same time, it’s also Natasha. She’s become colder and she resembles more of the woman that Kapranov had described to him. 

He knows that he should be glad for that. This type of tension means that no one is pretending anymore. Everything is as it should be. He doesn’t have to wonder about what’s real and what’s not real. He’s thinking straight and he understands the amount of danger he’s in.

But at the same time, he misses how things were. He hates to admit it to himself but he misses Natasha’s bantering. It had been the closest thing he felt to companionship and even though it had been with her out of all people, it had acted as a sense of peace and normality with him.

The tension is just cold. Almost as cold as the weather in Russia. 

He has just finished a late night session with his language tutor and is about to settle into bed when the doors open. He looks over his shoulder and sees Natasha standing there.

“Savinov tells me you’re learning at an acceptable rate,” Natasha drawls, ambling closer to him. “Kapranov was pleased to hear it.’

“Well, it’s not like I have any other choice but to learn,” Steve responds, bitterly.

Natasha chuckles. “It’s a beautiful language. You should take advantage of the opportunity to learn.”

Steve swallows his breath. “I wouldn’t have to learn it if I weren’t being kept here.”

“It’s up to you to determine the course of the future,” Natasha says, “ _Trust_.”

Steve takes a deep breath. “You make it sound easy.”

Natasha shrugs. “When have I ever lied to you, Captain?” She raises an eyebrow challengingly at him.

Steve stops to think. He actually doesn’t know or at least, he can’t think of a time on the top of his head.

She chuckles as she watches him struggle. “That’s what I thought.” 

Steve purses his lips.

Natasha inches closer to him. “I trust you, Steve Rogers. You were a captain for all of those people in America, but now, you’re a captain for me and my people. I believe in you.”

Steve takes a step back. “You’re trying to play me.”

Natasha smiles. “No.” Technically, she’s not. She has a plan in motion, but she’s not trying to lie to him. She’s trying to convince him in a way that she knows well.

She’s given some thought to what Yelena and Shostakov have suggested and she had made the decision to go ahead with it. She supposes there’s no harm into charming him to succumb to Russia. He needs to be comfortable to have full trust in Russia and she had decided that she’ll do what she does best to make sure of that.

“I’ve been working on a side project during the past couple of months,” Natasha says, “I’m tracking down a man that I have to interview. That’s what I’ve been making myself busy with. I haven’t seen the man in years, but I think that I’m getting closer. I think his presence here will really stir things up.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Steve frowns.

“Because I trust you,” Natasha responds, “and I wanted you to know.” It’s sort of the truth. Despite his escape attempt, she still thinks that she trusts him. She understands why he tried and she had definitely expected it to happen eventually. 

She doesn’t trust people easily and she’s sure that some of her superiors are surprised at how she interacts with him. But there’s something so self-righteous and morally good about him that she’s been able to do it easily. She doesn’t know what it is and she’s not sure if she really wants to know, but she’s certainly willing to exploit the hell out of it to do her job.

Steve inhales. “I’m not going to let you fool me.”

“But that’s not the goal here,” Natasha says, “Trust is. You need it.”

“You’re the last person I would want to trust.”

“You say that,” she says, not feeling offended at all, “but it’s not true. You want to trust me. You really do. You know why?” 

Steve huffs. “Do enlighten me.”

“You need to feel alive again. You need a purpose. You can’t just be alone through all of this. You need a connection,” Natasha murmurs, daring to come even closer to him. “And I’m right here.” She's never one to back down from a challenge and she'll do what she must to succeed.

And before Steve can react, she brings their lips together. 

“Trust in me,” she whispers in between kisses.

Steve hesitates as his brain gets foggy. This is the last thing he would’ve expected her to do and she knows that.

“We’re partners,” Natasha says softly, “It would be so much easier if you would just trust me the way I trust you.”

Steve doesn’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the loneliness. Maybe it’s the stress. Maybe it’s him losing his mind. Whatever it is, it compels him to kiss her back.

When they let go, Natasha shivers. She knows this changes everything and that this is the choice that she has made and it’s the choice that she knows that she will end up regretting. That’s how life has been set up for her since she was born in 1928.

* * *

_ After _

Steve flips through the daily newspaper, reading the news when JARVIS announces that a package has arrived for him. 

He raises a brow, wondering what the hell has been sent to him. It’s a basic orange package and there’s no address on it. He opens it and a bunch of notes falls out.

Steve kneels down to pick them up and he freezes when he realizes what they are. He plucks one piece of paper that’s in a different color than the others.

_ Steve, _

_ By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be in Bucharest, Romania. Clint, Fury, and everyone else at SHIELD probably think that I’m on a deep undercover mission. I’m not. I’m chasing a series of leads that I want to find answers to. I’m sorry to say that I can’t tell you more. I promise I will when I come back. I’ll be back soon. _

_ Since I won’t be there to be a friend to you, I wanted to leave the rest of Natasha’s letters with you. You deserve to know everything she’s said. I also recorded my last interrogation with her. I don’t have the visuals, but I did get a copy of the audio. I hope it helps. _

_ Don’t tell anyone about what you and I know. It’s a big risk with just the two of us already. Don’t try to contact me, either. We’d be exposed immediately. _

_ Remember. Be careful who you trust. Good luck. _

_ Sharon _

Steve takes a deep breath. He looks into the envelope and finds a tape at the bottom. He looks at it and a million thoughts flood his brain. He wonders what she’s doing in Bucharest and why she’s doing it on her own. He wonders if it has any correlation with Natasha.

Natasha.

Steve looks down at the letters around him and picks them all up, bringing them to his desk. He wants to read every single one of them over and over again. He wants to pick up as many details about her as he can.

As he does this, he starts playing the tape.

“Good morning, Romanoff,” he hears Sharon say.

“Carter.” Steve feels the hairs on the back of his neck rise at the sound of Natasha’s voice. It’s a bit cold, but he supposes that over a year in solitude does that to you.

“How are you feeling?”

“Don’t ask me that question when there are more important matters to discuss.” She has a Russian accent that perfectly accentuates her coldness, but it’s husky and he likes it.

“How do you know?”

“Because I’m Natasha Romanoff,” she says, “How would I not know?” 

Sharon sighs. “You know you’re being moved.”

Natasha responds, “I don’t know where.”

“I don’t know either,” Sharon says, “but they want to move you into a new phase of interrogation.”

“What does that even mean?"

“It’s above my clearance level,” Sharon replies, “I only know you’re being moved because Alexander Pierce told me. He only told me because SHIELD is revoking my privileges to interview you. This is the last time we get to speak.”

Steve hears Natasha take a deep breath.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m trying,” Sharon says, “I really am. I know I’m being difficult, but my moral compass is really fucked up right now. I promise you, though, that he’s trying to. I’ll make sure he’s going the right direction. I’ll make sure he has what he needs before I go to Romania.”

“The Winter season,” Natasha says, slowly, “It’s very cold. The Winter, himself, an ice age. I trust you.”

“I know,” Sharon says.

Natasha sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Sharon responds. “I’m doing what I think is right.”

“Can you tell him something? Before you go?”

“Of course.”

“Tell him I love him. Tell him I haven’t given up on him,” Natasha says softly. Steve stiffens at the sound of it. At the context of her words.

“He’ll hear it,” Sharon assures her.

The tape ends there.

Steve looks down and looks at the last note that she wrote.

_ Dear Steve, _

_ Do you remember us? Did you forget me? They said they would make sure you never remembered me. _

A part of him is surprised that someone so cold can also be so soft. He wants to see her. He wants to talk to her. She is the key to everything and all he wants to do is find her. He wants to remember who she is, because he thinks he believes her and her letters.

But of course, SHIELD is getting in his way, both on purpose and on accident. That’s how he finds himself at a New Year’s Party an hour later when he should be sitting at his desk, trying to get something from the letters and audio.

Tony hands him a flute of champagne and Steve sips at it periodically as he forces himself to make small talk with SHIELD officials who are mingling amongst themselves. He’ll admit that the venue is nice. It’s a SHIELD office building on Kent Island in the Chesapeake Bay. It has gorgeous views of the water and is a modern building like the Triskelion.

Steve finds himself in awe of the beautiful interior design when he’s not busy talking to people.

“Enjoying the party?” Pierce asks behind him later that night when the sky is dark but clear.

Steve turns around and sees the man, a glass of whiskey in his hand. He nods. “It’s nice to talk to these people about anything but work.” It’s sort of the truth.

Pierce smiles. “I’m glad. Have any plans for the rest of the week?”

Steve shrugs. “I might learn how to use an iPhone.” He believes he’s become a master at faking small talk.

Pierce chuckles. “A good way to spend your time. Have a good night, Captain.”

Steve nods and watches as Pierce turns to Rumlow, who complains about the power being spotty in the building. He frowns. There’s still something about Pierce that’s unsettling to him. He isn’t sure what it is.

Eventually, the clock strikes midnight and everyone is distracted and drunk. Steve uses this time to excuse himself. Since alcohol doesn’t really affect him, he doesn’t really have a problem drinking glass after glass. His bladder has a problem with that.

Rumlow watches him as he exits, but Steve doesn’t notice.

The bathrooms closest to the party are full so he wanders downstairs and tries to find a bathroom. It turns out to be more of a struggle than he would have expected. Some of the lights aren’t working and random screens on the walls are flickering. Steve blames it on the power problem that Rumlow had been complaining about. 

He turns the corner on some random floor. At this point, he can’t remember how many sets of staircases he’s walked down. He sees a room labeled “Personal Use Quarters” and assumes that if there’s a restroom anymore, it’s probably there.

There aren’t any doorknobs to get into the room and he frowns in confusion. He reaches into his pocket to pull out his SHIELD identification card and scans it by the nearest scanner. It turns red and rejects it.

At this point, he really needs to use the restroom so he groans in annoyance, slapping the keypad on the door. His other hand presses against another keypad against the wall and he hears his palm press random numbers. To his surprise, instead of accidentally leaving a dent in the wall, the wall flips and turns, revealing a secret door.

He knows that this probably isn’t meant to be a public restroom but he doesn’t care at this point. He walks in and sees a light on the ceiling that is barely flickering. He’s surprised at just how drastic the interior is in comparison to the rest of the building. It’s rusty and dark and kind of scary. There’s a gross copper smell in the air that makes his nose wrinkle in disgust.

On the wall, there’s graffiti in an alphabet that he knows isn’t used by Americans. He takes a step closer and squints at a word drawn on a door at the other side of the room. 

It says “зло”.

Steve doesn’t know how, but for some reason, he can read it and he knows what the word means. “Evil,” he murmurs, squinting in surprise. He doesn’t know how he knows that. 

He takes a deep breath and reaches for the knob of the door. It’s locked and it’s not just any normal door, despite being in such a rustic room. Steve inwardly curses and uses his strength to push it open.

It opens and he’s met with darkness again, but there’s more light than the previous room.

A woman with curly red hair stands by the only window in the room, wearing what resembles blue scrubs. At the sound of him coming closer, she turns around and he catches sight of her piercing green eyes. They widen when they land upon him. 

Steve feels his heart pounding faster and faster as he looks at the person standing before him. He doesn’t recognize her, but even without his memories, he knows who it is. “ _Natasha?_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so so much for reading! i know this was long affff but i appreciate you for making it to the end.
> 
> i know there are a lot of unanswered questions, but i promise everything will be answered and addressed in the next chapter. there's a lot that will happen in the next chapter so buckle in! 
> 
> i've hinted at pierce/hydra drama, bucky/the winter soldier drama, buckynat drama, etc. so there's a lot more to come! and ofc, you guys will get to see how stevenat went from being in russia together to being separated in washington, d.c. 
> 
> i appreciate all kudos! the feedback means the world to me. i also love love love comments and appreciate hearing your thoughts. if you have any questions, feel free to ask and i'll answer!
> 
> thank you again for spending your time reading this.  
> xx


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